Speaking of Unity

Dante Gabriel Rossetti, The Blessed Damozel (1878).


The following is a sermon based on Ephesians 4:15, entitled Speaking of Unity. I offered it at an annual gathering of pastors and other church leaders.

Ephesians 4:14-15:

We must no longer be children, tossed to and fro and blown about by every wind of doctrine, by people’s trickery, by their craftiness in deceitful scheming. But speaking the truth in love, we must grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Messiah.

Organizing Idea: Forsaking anger, we speak the truth in love, and so draw closer together, preserving God’s will: the unity of the body of Messiah Jesus. 


I.

Picture this scene: We fall in love. 

I’m a bit proper, and intimate chat—you know, what the young folks these days call “spicy” talk—that makes me uncomfortable. 

I don’t know how to handle love-talk, so as we walk through your garden, you whisper “sweet nothings” to the roses

I laugh as you tell the roses how much you love them.

But there’s one problem: We fall in love during a war. 

You leave to fight in the war, leaving me with instructions on how to care for the roses.

I do my best to keep the roses alive until you return. 

There’s one more problem: one thing you told me to do I won’t do—and that is talk to the roses. 

Why not? Well, that’s ridiculous! 

Honestly, I won’t talk to the roses because I miss you. 

In the letter I send to you, I share that the roses are surviving—but they are not thriving. The roses are alive, but they are not living because they are not getting the conversation they need. 

Why did we fall in love in the middle of a war? What a silly thing for anyone to do. 

II. Jak Malone, Operation Mincemeat, and the Roses of Unifying Speech

What you just pictured is a scene from the new, fabulous Broadway musical Operation Mincemeat.

Jak Malone won the Tony Award for his performance as Hester Leggatt, who sings about falling in love during World War II and caring for the roses while her lover, Tom, is away fighting the war.

For reasons you’ll need to figure out yourself, the song is called “Dear Bill.” 

Roses are, of course, a cliché for love.

Teenagers at prom.
Honeymoon suites.
Romance novels.

But in Hester’s song, the roses are more than cliché.

They’re a revelation.

The roses in Hester’s song reveal what it means to speak of unity. 

Ephesians repeatedly emphasizes that God’s will is to unite everything and everyone (1:10). In fact, God, through the cross of Jesus the Messiah and the ongoing advocacy of the Spirit, has completed that goal. 

Unity is not something we create. 

Our pastors, leaders, youth, members, or visitors can’t command or create unity.

God gives unity to the body of Messiah, to the church. Unity is grace.

That’s why Ephesians urges us to “accept each other with love, and make an effort to preserve the unity of the Spirit with the peace that ties you together” (4:2-3). 

Preserving unity, the unity that God gives us through the weakness of the Messiah, in the Spirit—that is our work. 

Planting, growing, and watering the roses—that’s God’s work. 

Our task is tending to them, giving the roses the (indirect) conversation they need to thrive. 

But there’s one issue: we are living in wartime. 

III.

We are in the middle of a serious culture war. One that too often successfully pulls us out of the garden, almost guaranteeing that the roses won’t get the conversation they need to thrive.

Military helicopters are descending on Chicago, targeting communities of color—and ICE, armed like Roman soldiers, are kicking in the doors of citizens and their children, hauling them into the streets.

Rome’s agents ruthlessly round up our fellow human beings without papers—the vast majority of whom are, like all of us, trying to build a good and decent life.

Across this divided land, killers strike our fellow citizens in their homes, on campuses, and as they walk to lunch—and yet we only recognize some victims as saints.

Today, our government is shut down because we refuse to agree that our neighbors deserve affordable healthcare.

IV.

We are in the middle of a war, so all the chatter I am hearing in my circles, from both sides of the partisan divide—and everything in between—about buying guns is not so surprising. 

Even Ephesians encourages believers in the Messiah to arm themselves. We are to put on the belt of truth, take up the shield of faith, wear the helmet of salvation, and wield the sword of the Spirit (6:13-17).

The author of Ephesians encourages us to dress up like Roman soldiers.

That’s no small thing. Fashion moves us. 

Remember that time you finally fit into those tight jeans or that expensive dress you never thought you would fit into… and then immediately booked a flight to New York to walk the runway during Fashion Week? Or, remember the time that you got a great haircut, and you seriously thought, “I could be a rockstar with this hair.”

Playing dress up as a Roman soldier is not as innocent as it seems. 

And before you think I am overthinking this, consider that the author of Ephesians, just a few verses earlier, explicitly commands us to adopt a Roman lifestyle. 

Just before asking us to dress up like Roman soldiers, he commands wives to submit to their husbands, and slaves to obey their masters.

If it’s any consolation, he does request that husbands and masters, masters and husbands, treat their property with kindness (5:21-6:9).

That’s so cringe. I know. 

It’s also very, very Roman lifestyle advice. 

But like every text written in wartime—Ephesians is all about a clash of cultures—it resists simplicity.

V.

Earlier in the letter, the author of Ephesians declares, “I’m telling you this, and I insist on it in the Lord: you shouldn’t live your life like the [the Romans] anymore. . .” (4:17).  [unstated exegetical note: It is because the author moves in this direction that I emphasize the Roman cultural connections rather than the Jewish ones. The author of Ephesians was likely Jewish. See Daniel Boyarin’s excellent study, Dying for God: Martyrdom and the Making of Christianity and Judaism (1999), for an analysis of the overlap between Jewish and Roman cultures, along with its main theme: how Judaism and Christianity eventually became distinguishable religions].

But in the middle of his musical, let’s call it, The Roman Family Musical, the author offers some Roman advice that is actually sound: he tells us to avoid anger. [Underlying source: see Martha Nussbaum, Anger and Forgiveness: Resentment, Generosity, Justice (2016) for a sophisticated and careful analysis of the character of anger.]

The Romans, and the Greeks before them, believed that anger was a female thing. They thought males were rational and disciplined, and females were childish and prone to excess.

One thing is certain: when you lack control over your own body, anger does feel empowering.

Even so, avoiding anger is good Roman advice because human anger is always an injustice. 

Anger always works against God’s will to bring everything and everyone together.

Please don’t take my word for it, the truth is as close to you as your own family.

The author of Ephesians commands children to obey their parents (6:1-4). But this time, there is good reason to comply with his command: 

The commandment to love your parents is the only one that comes with a promise: We should listen to our parents so that everything may go well for us and that we may live a long life.

That’s promising! 

And parents, if you want to command your children’s respect and ensure everything goes well for them, avoid provoking them to anger.

That sounds promising, too! 

I confess, I am surprised; I never took Ephesians for a letter with much promise.

In fact, I typically feel like this dude is a prude.

No drinking. No cussing. No joking. No rock, pop, or blues music. No good sex (it’s all missionary style for him).

But this time, I thought: maybe the perils of anger explain his social conservatism. 

VI.

Nowadays, anger is a respectable thing to feel—especially if you are a male. 

The fruits of male anger are predictable—a terrible tale as old as time: males drink, males boast, males covet the spouses of other males.

Outrage follows. Men die. And women and children are the collateral damage of male anger.

Here is a new thing about anger: it’s especially powerful on social media. 

Rage-baiting is all the rage. Why? We love it. We like it. We comment on it. 

The algorithm gives us more and more of it. Influencers and social media platforms profit from it. 

There is a reason we describe getting angry as “going nuclear.” It is the most potent weapon in our culture war arsenal.

Anger always goes viral. 

Here’s why: Anger is a feeling that is always—and I say again—always related to the pleasures of retribution, of punishment, of revenge, of domination—of really sticking it to someone who stuck it to you. 

The logic of anger is devilishly simple: if I can wound the one who wounded me, I will be made whole again.

Anger is always a form of magical thinking: the thought that revenge will right a wrong. 

It won’t.

Anger is always a verb. It is always about getting even. 

That’s why we should avoid provoking our children to anger and getting angry ourselves. 

“Get angry,” we are told, “but don’t sin” (4:26-27).

In other words, don’t get angry, because anger is always related to sin; it is always opposed to God’s will, to unity and its preservation in the church.

Speaking of unity, I remember visiting family in northern Idaho. 

I was in my mid-twenties, sitting with my brother and uncle in a bar called the Six Devils.

After I enjoyed about six devils, I decided it was time to share some angry thoughts. The result was predictable: more anger.

My brother, a huge, muscular guy (the opposite of me), stormed out of the bar—and my uncle did too, after he started to cry. 

What I said damaged our relationship; it certainly did not bring us closer together.

That’s why the author of Ephesians urges us to forsake anger and begs us to adopt a different lifestyle, one characterized by speaking the truth.  

That’s one word in Greek—it means to speak the truth continuously.

Like anger, speaking the truth is a verb. But it’s not angry speech. It is not permission to say the nastiest things imaginable about people while smiling. 

Well, bless your hearts. 

Speaking the truth—quite unlike anger—is always a matter of love-talk, and love-talk is always talk that inspires—indeed is—the preservation of unity in the body of Messiah Jesus. 

VII. 

Now, with that in mind, let’s re-imagine what speaking of unity—what giving the roses the conversation they need–looks like

Picture this scene: We are back in the garden; the roses are there between us. I start talking to them because I know you don’t like it when I talk too directly about love. Here’s what I say to the roses:

I was asked to preach at the Church of Christ, but I was told there was one topic I could not mention in my sermon. 

So, I angrily left the garden to fight on the Western front of the culture war.

Walking to the battlefield, I was reminded of a time I asked a layperson to avoid a topic. I asked them not to disparage members of the church I was serving from the pulpit.

One member was barely back on his feet after being disowned by his entire family. Another member was coming back to church after she had stayed away for years, fearing abuse from the pulpit. Yet another member had just lost his husband.

Please, I asked, preserve the unity of the Spirit in peace.

This layperson had somehow learned to say yes when he meant no, and he offered a condescending and damaging message that drove people—including me—away from one another and that congregation. His comments severed our unity.

As I marched to war, I considered what it meant to be prohibited, in the name of unity, from preaching a message of extravagant welcome. 

I also started to feel sad. I learned, again, that Rev. Kay Ray was right when he observed that I was excited about ministry because I hadn’t been doing it.

I thought despairingly: If being the United Church of Christ means that one church can degrade and exclude people like me, my family, and our friends, while another church can boldly fight racism, preserving the grace of unity is surely impossible.

The feeling only worsened when I remembered the times that even our leadership expressed the view that folks like me in the church are a “controversial” issue. 

They think it is a sign of faithfulness not to take a position on such a “controversial” issue. 

Here is what should be controversial: 

Rome’s Supreme Court empowers conservative parents to pull their kids out of public-school lessons that entail “controversial” themes and even to send their “controversial” children to conversion therapy. Yet, it denies caring parents of those same children the power to make their healthcare decisions.

“Controversial” adults in North Carolina now have to hand over their false birth certificates, the ones they received at birth, along with their real ones, whenever they require a passport, other necessary documentation, or for identity verification purposes.

What should be controversial is our historical ignorance. 

Did you know that the Greeks thought that males and females were different species? A similar idea, Ibram X. Kendi reminds us, enabled some white folks to justify the institution of slavery. 

The Romans got rid of the idea of the sexes. Male and females represented points on a sliding scale—the only difference being that some genitals stuck out while others turned inward . . . . 

What sticks out asserts reproductive power; what turns inward submits to reproductive power. Rome privileged and empowered what asserted itself on women and on both male and female slaves and other non-citizens. 

What we now think of as sex and sexuality are the creations—very real and very unnatural social creations—of the 1700s and 1800s. [Underlying source: see David M. Halperin, “Sex/Sexuality/Sexual Classification,” in Critical Terms for the Study of Gender (2014), 449-486, for this history and a spirited and clear analysis of it].

There is no such thing as “biological truth.” But too many Christians seem to be sticking with Rome. Some of y’all are too Roman for my liking.

My anger was further enflamed when I remembered times that our leadership couldn’t even celebrate the good that the Southern Conference had done, like our fight in 2015, because they couldn’t bring themselves to name it, to mention it explicitly. 

Rome’s Court is—once again—looking for an opportunity to make some of us sit at the back of the bus.

And some of our leaders are uncomfortable even discussing their own desires, fearing they may cause controversy.

Family, unity should not come at the expense of diversity in the church.

We should not be cutting off toes to fit into a Roman sandal.

If unity comes at the cost of the dignity of other parts of the body, it’s just not worth it. 

In fact, it’s just not unity.

It’s not a just unity.

It’s hostility. 

And it is contrary to God’s will. 

Yes, I was feeling some kind of way when I received your letter. Something about it made me drop my weapons and walk away from war.

Honestly, I missed being together with our roses.

As I walked back to our garden, I did feel like a motherless child. 

I felt like a kid who had grown up without a good enough mother, tossed to and fro because his caregiver was not reliable—except in their efforts to provoke him to anger.

But something about your letter also made me feel like I no longer had to be an angry soldier out fighting the culture war of rage.

Your letter, your hymn, inspired me to think that speaking of unity—giving the roses the conversation they need to thrive, to really live—is an infinitely more pleasurable use of our time.

Your Psalm reminded me: 

It’s good and pleasant when we live together in unity!

Unity feels like precious oil on the head, running down over the collars of robes. 

It’s like the smell of morning dew.

It’s like the simple beauty of water droplets gliding across rose petals. 

It’s life forevermore (Psalm 133, redacted). 

May it be so.

Amen.

Against (Virtually) Normal: Law, Politics, and the Trans/Queer Body

AI generated imaged based on the essay below. Notice the young Andrew Sullivan in the foreground?


Girl: “Are you sure you are not really a girl?

Boy Sullivan: “Of course not.”

Parent: My child knows who they are.

Adult Sullivan: “But do they? . . . I sure didn’t.”

I.

In a recent opinion piece for The New York Times, Andrew Sullivan contends that the gay rights movement has “radicalized, and lost its way.” Sullivan asserts that the gay movement has abandoned traditional, virtually normal politics (i.e., the defense of marriage equality and the expansion of non-discrimination protections in the workplace and housing for gays, lesbians and trans adults) and adopted a fascistic queer gender ideology—a transgender ideology that disregards the naturalness of the “sex binary” and seeks to impose itself, like a “theology,” on society—and especially on children and teens.

The irony is that Sullivan’s argument perfectly aligns with conservative theological reasoning. Sullivan follows the Supreme Court’s conservative majority, naturalizing a conservative theology of sex while masquerading it as liberal neutrality.

II.

Taking sex as a synonym for gender and vice versa is a hallmark of conservative theological thought. For example, Associate Justice Thomas Alito, writing for the majority in Mahmoud v. Taylor, observes that “[m]any Americans, like the parents in this case, believe that biological sex reflects divine creation, that sex and gender are inseparable, and that children should be encouraged to accept their sex and to live accordingly” (24).

In queer and gender studies, the term gender ≠ biological sex. As David M. Halperin reminds us, “Sex has no history. It is a natural fact, grounded in the functioning of the body and, as such, it lies outside of history and culture” (“Is There a History of Sexuality?,” in the The Lesbian and Gay Studies Reader, 416 [416-431], emphasis mine).

In contrast to sex, gender (like sexuality) does have a history (although a much longer one than sexuality). It refers to the cultural habits and practices that a society determines make, for example, a male (= sex) a man/masculine (= gender).

Sullivan’s conservative theological sex ideology comes through in his definition of homosexuality. “My sexual orientation,” Sullivan shares, “is based on a biological distinction [= sex] between men and women: I am attracted to the former and not to the latter” (emphasis mine). What this implies is that (homo)sexuality is, for Sullivan, like sex: an entirely biological, neutral fact of the human condition.

Sullivan complains that “[d]issenters from gender ideology are routinely unfriended, shunned and shamed. . . . That’s the extremely intolerant and illiberal atmosphere that now exists in the gay, lesbian, and transgender space” (emphasis mine). If that’s true, it’s unfortunate because Sullivan’s conservative theological sex ideology does have an upshot: it implies that homosexuality “reflects divine creation.”

The drawback of Sullivan’s sex ideology is that it cannot account for the fact that some of us are, as Michael Warner observes in The Trouble With Normal: Sex, Politics, and the Ethics of Queer Life (1999), more marked than others by our sexuality (23).

Like many proto-gay boys, I learned in middle school that having a penis does not necessarily make one a legitimate boy. According to my peers, the way I walked, talked, dressed, and styled my hair all cast doubt on the legitimacy of my penis. Thus, I was a queer, fag, and so on.

My middle school experience amply illustrates an essential point: sex has a gender. Sullivan may insist that sex/sexuality is “a neutral fact of the human condition,” but sex/sexuality is not merely a natural/neutral fact. Sex/sexuality is also an object of human interpretation.

Sullivan and his fellow conservative Catholic/religious friends are all too aware that politics will ultimately determine what sex/sexuality means. Sullivan and company want to end the hermeneutics of sex. They want the last word, and they know the deciding battlefield is the public school system.

III.

Sullivan worries that queer gender ideology is akin to an insurrection, a “societywide revolution” against traditional sex/sexuality norms. He is especially concerned about queer ideology being taught in our public elementary schools.

To Sullivan’s mind, helping children recognize that the relationship of sex to gender and vice versa is wiggly, by allowing them to play with pronouns and their gender comportment in public schools, is to play God. It has the power to resurrect Anita Bryant!

She is risen! She is risen, indeed!

The Supreme Court recently ruled in Mahmoud v. Taylor that parents can opt their children out of public school lessons that include books with queer themes, including same-sex marriage, on religious grounds. Consider the mercifully brief sample of Associate Justice Alito’s “legal” reasoning for the majority below (for a complete analysis of the Court’s overreading and misreading of the relevant children’s books, listen to the recent episode of the podcast Strict Scrutiny):

In light of the record before us, we hold that the Board’s introduction of the “LGBTQ+-inclusive” storybooks—combined with its decision to withhold notice to parents and to forbid opt outs—substantially interferes with the religious development of their children and imposes the kind of burden on religious exercise that Yoder found unacceptable.

To understand why, start with the storybooks themselves. Like many books targeted at young children, the books are unmistakably normative. They are clearly designed to present certain values and beliefs as things to be celebrated and certain contrary values and beliefs as things to be rejected. . . .

Uncle Bobby’s Wedding, the only book that the dissent is willing to discuss in any detail, conveys the same message more subtly. The atmosphere is jubilant after Uncle Bobby and his boyfriend announce their engagement. Id., at 286a (“Everyone was smiling and talking and crying and laughing” (emphasis added)). The book’s main character, Chloe, does not share this excitement. “‘I don’t understand!’” she exclaims, “‘Why is Uncle Bobby getting married?’” Id., at 288a. The book is coy about the precise reason for Chloe’s question, but the question is used to tee up a direct message to young readers: “‘Bobby and Jamie love each other,’ said Mummy. ‘When grown-up people love each other that much, sometimes they get married.’” Ibid. The book therefore presents a specific, if subtle, message about marriage. It asserts that two people can get married, regardless of whether they are of the same or the opposite sex, so long as they “‘love each other.’” Ibid. That view is now accepted by a great many Americans, but it is directly contrary to the religious principles that the parents in this case wish to instill in their children. It is significant that this book does not simply refer to same-sex marriage as an existing practice. Instead, it presents acceptance of same-sex marriage as a perspective that should be celebrated. The book’s narrative arc reaches its peak with the actual event of Uncle Bobby’s wedding, which is presented as a joyous event that is met with universal approval. See id., at 300a–305a. And again, there are many Americans who would view the event that way, and it goes without saying that they have every right to do so. But other Americans wish to present a different moral message to their children. And their ability to present that message is undermined when the exact opposite message is positively reinforced in the public school classroom at a very young age.

Next, consider the messages sent by the storybooks on the subject of sex and gender. Many Americans, like the parents in this case, believe that biological sex reflects divine creation, that sex and gender are inseparable, and that children should be encouraged to accept their sex and to live accordingly. Id., at 530a–531a, 538a–540a, 543a, 625a. But the challenged storybooks encourage children to adopt a contrary viewpoint. Intersection Allies presents a transgender child in a sex-ambiguous bathroom and proclaims that “[a] bathroom, like all rooms, should be a safe space.” Id., at 323a. The book also includes a discussion guide that asserts that “at any point in our lives, we can choose to identify with one gender, multiple genders, or neither gender” and asks children “What pronouns fit you best?” Id., at 350a (boldface in original). The book and the accompanying discussion guidance present as a settled matter a hotly contested view of sex and gender that sharply conflicts with the religious beliefs that the parents wish to instill in their children (23-24, unattributed italics mine).

The Court rightly observes that “there are many Americans who would view [the marriage of two men as a joyous occasion], and it goes without saying that they have every right to do so.” What the Court does not recognize is that such a view is not only that of “many Americans,” it is also the nonmetaphysical position of their Government.

If the Court’s majority were at all inclined to affirm the appropriateness of the Government teaching a nonreligious, nonpartisan view of sex in our public schools, it would have concluded the following: There are many Americans who would view the marriage of two males as contrary to their religious beliefs, and it goes without saying that they have every right to do so. However, the Government has no role to play in teaching theological metaphysics. Religious instruction is the obligation of parents of faith and their respective religious institutions.

We are right to worry that the majority opinion in Taylor takes religion from the football field (Kennedy v. Bremerton School District) into the classroom by implicitly questioning the legitimacy of the Government’s nonreligious view of sex. In my opinion, Taylor goes far beyond protecting religious liberty. It protects the status quo by incentivizing the teaching of traditional, religiously inflected sex ideology in our public schools.

But Sullivan is worried about Big Trans “overhauling the education not only of children with gender dysphoria, but of every other kid as well.” 

Sullivan does not mention Mahmoud v. Taylor in his opinion piece for The New York Times. Besides the shared insistence on the naturalness of a conservative theological understanding of sex, one other thread links Sullivan’s essay to the majority opinion in Taylor.

Sullivan, like the majority in Taylor, is expressly concerned about (gay and lesbian) youth being coerced by authority figures, such as teachers and doctors, into believing what he considers to be an unnatural gender ideology.

“As a child, uninterested in playing team sports . . . ,” Sullivan writes, “I was once asked by a girl when I was just 10 years old, ‘Are you sure you are not really a girl?’ Of course not, I replied” (emphasis mine). Nonetheless, Sullivan wants us to believe that he may not have given the same answer to the same question if the questioner had been “someone in authority—a parent or a teacher or a doctor [or a priest?].”

Alito expresses a similar concern in Taylor,

“The books therefore present the same kind of ‘objective danger to the free exercise of religion’ that we identified in Yoder. Id., at 218. That ‘objective danger’ is only exacerbated by the fact that the books will be presented to young children by authority figures in elementary school classrooms. As representatives of the Board have admitted, ‘there is an expectation that teachers use the LGBTQ-Inclusive Books as part of instruction,’ and ‘there will be discussion that ensues.’ App. to Pet. for Cert. 605a, 642a.” (25, emphasis mine).

Among the things Alito thinks coercion means is teachers communicating to young students a nonmetaphysical interpretation of sex, namely that it is not a synonym for gender and vice versa. Alito writes, “The upshot [of how Alito [over]reads Born Ready, written by Jodie Patterson and illustrated by Charnelle Barlow] is that it is hurtful, perhaps even hateful, to hold the view that gender is inextricably bound with biological sex” (25, emphasis mine).

The Court affirms the right of conservative religious parents to direct the public education of their children in Mahmoud v. Taylor. In U.S. v. Skrmetti, a case in which the Court’s majority allows states to ban gender-affirming care (while permitting the same treatments for minors not seeking gender-affirming care), the majority declines to resolve the legal question about the right of parents to direct the healthcare of their (trans) children. In this case, the Court neutralizes the authority of parents who are not (religiously) conservative or religious to care for their children, trusting the (conservative) Government to “parent” them.

IV.

Sullivan goes a step further than the Court’s majority in Skrmetti. Sullivan wants us to believe that no one is looking out for trans kids (except him and his fellow compassionate conservatives, of course). Even the supportive parents of trans children cannot be trusted to direct their healthcare.

Sullivan provides three reasons to remove the power to provide healthcare to children from the hands of their parents:

First, supportive parents trust their children’s testimony. Though young Sullivan was very clear with his female classmate about his sex, he questions whether or not trans children “know who they are.” He even contradicts himself, asserting that during the period between the ages of 9 and 13, he was unsure whether he was a boy or not.

Next, Sullivan argues supportive parents are the cucks of a fascistic queer ideology (i.e., of Big Trans). Specifically, they are illiberal cucks. They do as Big Trans tells them to do (i.e., force our kids to transition) for fear of being canceled—and they cancel others, like Sullivan, who refuse to obey the will of Big Trans.

Finally, Sullivan also believes supportive parents are reactionary cucks of a fascistic queer ideology. Sullivan asserts that if Trump (i.e., an election denier, encourager of insurrection against the U.S. government, Project 2025 supporter, and, according to one judge, a rapist) is for, say, the biological truth of gender, the cucks of a fascistic queer ideology are necessarily, unthinkingly against it.

What critics of the majority’s decision in Skrmetti (e.g., the 5-4 podcast) miss is that Trump’s conservative theological assertion of the “biological truth of gender” is underlying their reasoning.

State laws denying gender-affirming care to a teen male who desires to become a female is not, to the majority, discrimination based on sex. Healthcare providers may not deny gender-affirming treatment to a male because he is male. In many states, they must deny said treatment because he is a male who desires to become a female.

Recall that in Taylor, the Court’s majority similarly empowers parents to affirm a conservative theology, namely that sex and gender are inseparable. The rest of us must live with it—or else.

V.

Sullivan’s opinion piece for the New York Times is gross—and not principally because it is a conservative theological argument. It is also problematic because it is an example of the homophobic literary genre (e.g., queers are victims of queers; conservatives = persecuted; healthcare may be denied to women/queers; states should be allowed to decide the legality of queer life, etc.).

There is one aspect of Sullivan’s anti-trans/queer rhetoric that I find especially problematic: his deployment of the heuristics of fear. Echoing the logic of the late Cardinal Ratzinger (see, e.g., §10), Sullivan wants us to believe that we have only ourselves to blame for violence perpetrated against us as a consequence of our insistence on our difference from the (virtually) normal.

In The Monarchy of Fear: A Philosopher Looks At Our Political Crisis (2018), a book inspired by Hillary Clinton’s electoral loss to Donald Trump in 2016, Martha C. Nussbaum draws on psychological research to describe two “heuristics” of fear. The first is the “availability heuristic,” and the second is the “cascade heuristic,” which has two aspects: reputational and informational (47-51). These heuristics can function to overwhelm our ability to carefully consider whether or not fear is warranted in a given situation, instead activating our instinctual impulses.

In his opinion piece, Sullivan employs the availability heuristic, creating an immediately recognizable image of imminent, life-threatening danger. He argues that the radicalization of the gay movement by trans/queer ideology is collapsing public support for gay and lesbian civil rights.

Sullivan combines the availability heuristic with the cascade heuristic, motivating people to come together to overcome an imminent, life-threatening danger: trans/queer ideology. If we don’t act, gay and lesbian civil rights, our rights, will be erased—and we will be subject to violent acts (the reputational aspect of the cascade heuristic).

Sullivan also offers us new information. He contends that advocates of trans/queer ideology are essentially raping children, forcing them to transition. Moreover, by forcing trans kids to transition, trans/queer advocates are ending the lives of gay and lesbian kids, as Sullivan believes a lot of trans kids are just confused gay and lesbian kids (the informational aspect of the cascade heuristic)

The heuristics of fear are highly motivating. They compel us to act together to avoid immediate danger.

The problem arises when the fear they amplify is not based on a sober assessment of evidence, facts, data, or our experiences. For example, there are good reasons to avoid the path of a tornado. However, when our fear is unwarranted, as it is in the public’s assessment of trans lives and experiences, it can destabilize democracy.

Unwarranted fear, especially combined with disgust, can destabilize democracy by motivating violence. Trans/queer ideology, Sullivan imagines, inspires “a sane backlash” against trans/queer people—and not only them, but virtually normal gay and lesbian people, too. As many trans people and queer gay men and lesbians already know: the threat of violence for being misaligned with (virtually) normative straight (male) society is not an idle one.

VI.

Queer gay men and lesbians stand in solidarity with their trans comrades (a word I use intentionally to enflame conservative passions) for many reasons, not least of which is our shared experience of the violence of (virtually) normative gendered politics. David M. Halperin observes, 

If homophobia sometimes functions less to oppress homosexuals than to police the behavior of heterosexuals and to strong-arm them into keeping one another strictly in line with the requirements of proper sex and gender norms, for fear of appearing queer it may be that one of the functions of transphobia is to police the behavior of lesbians and gay men and to terrorize them into conforming to the gender style deemed appropriate to their respective sexes (How To Be Gay [2012], 307, emphasis mine).

Yet, Sullivan believes that the radicalized gay movement is the real threat to a liberal or reasonably pluralistic society (see John Rawls). He asserts that the ever-expanding alphabet of queer welcome (e.g., L.G.B.T.Q.I.A+), and the new colors added to the pride flag to incarnate it, nowadays “demarcates a place not simply friendly to all types of people . . . but a place where anyone who does not subscribe to intersectional left ideology is unwelcome.”

Youth are the worst offenders of Sullivan’s law of welcome. The “young queer generation” are contemptuous, according to Sullivan, of “those who came before them.”

Dear Andrew,

It’s true. Trans/queer youth and adults don’t want to hang with you.

It’s not us. It’s your habit of villainizing, demeaning, and disparaging our lives and loves.

I don’t doubt that you believe you care about trans/queer youth and adults. However, if you take a moment to listen, you’ll likely gain a better understanding of why hanging out with us just isn’t currently working out for you.

As they say in Chicago, “He only had himself to blame.”

Smooches,

Tony (he/him).

Friendship/Communion

I recently visited a friend who is in hospice care.

I listened as she shared memories of her ministry. She recalled being tasked with presiding over communion after her Association had declined to accept an Open and Affirming church into its communion.  

That’s all history now. That church was eventually welcomed and is now thriving in that Association.

But the image of her presiding in this moment of sadness for many LGBTQ Christians and their allies (and she is one) worked on my unconscious:

Remembrances of Communions Past:

  • In college, I read Henry Nouwen’s Can You Drink The Cup? I preached a sermon inspired by it, “Sharing Our Lives,” to my rural hometown church. After hearing it, a friend observed, “I don’t think you know it, but you just came out to your church.” Looking at the text of my sermon now, I get it. I described lifting the cup as coming out and sharing (i.e., intimate connection) as a lifestyle. I even read a story from the book, Holy Homosexuals. I don’t have Nouwen’s book in my library today. As a college senior, I was invited to speak at a gay youth support group. I remember giving the book to a high school student. I wonder what the book did for him?
  • One of the first things I did when I moved to Chicago (and mostly out . . . though I had not yet explicitly told my family!) was force myself to begin exploring the city. I jumped on a bus, and I headed downtown. I made it to Michigan Avenue (on the south side of the river) and chickened out. I ducked into Subway(!) and sat down to read Leonardo Boff’s Sacraments of Life, Life of the Sacraments. Boff describes the old aluminum mug he and his ten siblings drank from: “It has shared everything. It has always been there. It is the ongoing mystery of life and mortal existence. The mug endures, old but still shiny . . . . We must drink in other people before we can love them. Eyes that drink in people speak the language of the heart.”

Several times, as others spoke to her, our eyes connected. I felt her love, and I smiled lovingly–and we looked, I am sure, lovingly sad.

On the last day of a challenging ecclesial assignment, I received my friend’s ordination gift in the mail: a beautiful communion chalice (pictured). Before leaving my friend’s bedside, I told her I would use her chalice whenever I preside over communion.

I’ll lift the cup up and share, through Messiah, communion with her.

May it be so.

What is a “cute Asian girl”? On Desire & Love in Real Life

Film still, White Lotus: Season 3, episode 5, “Full Moon Party,” the face of Rick (Walter Goggins).

“Giving what you have is throwing a party, not love.”1

“If love is to forge a link between the One and the Other, it must involve a two that remains two—a two that does not collapse the Other into One. This is very rare indeed!2

“Only love allows jouissance to condescend to desire.”3

I.  

Sam Rockwell’s monologue on White Lotus: Season 3 (wherein he plays a mercenary named Frank) is a beautiful, surprising, and captivating moment—entirely eclipsing the development of sibling incest in the same episode—and one worth beholding in all of its kaleidoscopic splendor:4

We are all—if “we are all” a bit mad or even just mildly more interesting than a hotel restaurant—Frank’s befuddled friend, Rick (Walter Goggins). We can’t stop listening to Frank. We are fixated on his self-questioning.5

Frank asks several really good questions: “What is desire? The form of this cute Asian girl, why does it have such a grip on me?” His “insatiable” desire for the form of a “cute Asian girl” is the obvious subject of his monologue.

“Cute Asian girl” is, as Frank tells us, a “form.” As a form, “cute Asian Girl” = an abstraction. Notice that “Asian girl,” “girl,” and “woman” are all synonyms in Frank’s monologue. What he desires is an Ideal. “Asian girl” = Woman.

Curiously, what Frank misses most about his life before becoming a Buddhist and celibate is “pussy.” “Being sober isn’t so hard,” Frank tells Rick, “[b]eing celibate, though. I still miss that pussy, man.”

Sobriety may not be so hard because it dulls desire, but “pussy,” as Lil Wayne was the first in the male hip-hop world to acknowledge and celebrate, is a site of agitation.6 Frank’s ongoing desire for “pussy” makes me curious about the possibility of, in Lizzo’s words, “love in real life.”

Is love what Frank wants? Does Frank want to love an actual Thai woman?

II.

Frank’s surprising discourse likely inspires a degree of defensiveness that may stymie our curiosity. We may be inclined to dismiss Frank as just another middle-aged, straight white male colonialist for whom “cute Asian girl” = fetish.

Frank does allude to fetishism in his monologue. Recall that Frank briefly wonders if “cute Asian girl” completes him, echoing Aristophanes’s tragic speech in Plato’s Symposium.

Aristophanes, a comedic writer, gives a tragic speech about the anxious gods and their monstrous creations: doubled-humanoids. Threatened by these two-headed, four-legged creatures of three different sexes (androgynous, male, and female), Zeus disempowers them by cutting them in half. Thus, love = the pursuit of one’s missing half (e.g., if a male were originally one-half of an androgynous whole, a male and female creature, then his search would be for his missing female half).

In a way, “cute Asian girl” does “complete” Frank. As Frank is getting fucked by various dudes, he looks into the eyes of an Asian girl he has paid to witness him getting “railed.” At this moment, the asexual Asian girl is functioning as a fetishistic object. She enables Frank to become her by affirming him: “Yes, what you see in the mirror of my eyes is you!” Thus, in fucking himself (he is both the male and female in this scenario), he returns to himself what has been cut off.

As a fetishistic object, “cute Asian girl” sutures Frank’s lack. Perhaps, but Frank doesn’t take fetishism seriously. “I realized I could fuck a million women and still never be satisfied.” Frank knows that fucking a million women will not give him back what has been cut off.

III.

Enter: Buddhism.

Frank states that Buddhism “is all about . . . detaching from self,” but I think what Buddhism does for Frank is cut off his desire from the (death) drive. “I realized I gotta stop the drugs, the girls, trying to be a girl. I got into Buddhism, which is all about, you know, spirit verses form, detaching from self, getting off the never-ending carousel of lust and suffering.

According to French psychoanalyst Jacques Lacan, desire qua desire is insatiable. That is, desire has no purpose.7 Desire is for desire. It is, as Frank feels, never-ending. But desire is not always a “never-ending carousel of lust and suffering.”

Like a hummingbird, desire flits from this to that. The (death) drive traps desire in repetition or obsessive fixation—in Frank’s case, on Woman. In the clutches of the drive, desire is immobilized. It becomes boring and monotonous.

The drive requires repetition/immobilization because it cannot achieve its end. On its own, it cannot bury desire. In and through repetition, the drive drives desire ever closer to what Lacan calls the Real (or, in keeping with my avian theme, the drive brings the hummingbird ever closer to the mouth of the mantis).

For Lacan, “pussy” is Real. And jouissance, like the (death) drive, serves the Real.

Jouissance is what lies beyond pleasure. “Jouissance is suffering” because it = excess pleasure.8 The drive latches onto desire and drives it beyond the limits of pleasure, beyond the amount of pleasure the subject (i.e., Frank) can bear.

According to Lacan, jouissance is “the path towards death,” toward the Real or “the Thing” (i.e., the pussy = the disturbing). “The Thing” is what is there when desire isn’t. Frank is ignorant of the fact that jouissance (= his satisfaction) is the source of his suffering—not desire.

IV.

Frank asserts that Buddhism is the cure for the “never-ending carousel of lust and suffering.” Buddhism may be such a cure, but is a cure what Frank wants?

One benefit of the talking cure (i.e., psychoanalysis) is its potential for disrupting repetition. While we can never fully know our desire (because it is always unconscious), our talk about it (potentially) frees it from the clutches of the mantis (clutches = the drive).

Recall that what gets Buddhist Frank off is “getting off the never-ending carousel of lust and suffering.” Lust and suffering, in and of themselves, do not seem to disturb Frank as much as the idea that they are never-ending features of life (“never-ending” = “a million different” Woman9).

“I still miss that pussy, man.”

V.

Enter: Love.

Frank may be right about sex when he defines it “as a poetic act,” but love is, too. Lacanian psychoanalyst Bruce Fink observes that “[l]ove is a poetic creation, a product of human creative activity.”10

Following Lacan, Fink further argues that love is a social link between the Symbolic and the Real.11 As Lacan intimates, love negotiates a more livable relationship between the Symbolic (i.e., desire) and the Real (i.e., the drive, jouissance, the base materiality of the Other or “pussy”).12

The theme of love appears in and around Frank’s monologue in at least three ways. First, love slips out of Frank’s mouth in his brief reference to Plato’s Symposium. The symposium’s ostensible agenda is to praise the god of love (discussed above in section II).

Second, love appears on Rick’s face. Throughout Frank’s monologue, Rick’s face is fixated on him, while Frank occasionally looks away. Unlike the paid Asian girl, Rick’s face is not a mirror. Rick’s face is Other; it talks back throughout Frank’s self-absorbed questioning, reflecting astonishment and perplexity. However, Rick’s face never appears disgusted or afraid of the substance of Frank’s monologue.

Finally, after Frank shares his final words, “I still miss that pussy, man,” Frank stares at Rick, but Rick looks away, down toward his crotch, and he says, “Yeah.”

“Yeah,” what? Rick is not celibate. So, what does his “Yeah” mean?

VI.

“Yeah” is a transition; it signals a shift from one conversation to another. “Love,” Lacan argues, “is a sign that one is changing discourses.”13

Fink points out the importance of changing discourses in “relations between lovers, the importance of not engaging in battle on the terrain on which one is attacked or challenged, but shifting the discussion to other ground.”14 Rick does not argue with or challenge Frank; he gracefully acknowledges the end of his monologue, shifting their conversation to the next subject.15

Rick’s girlfriend, Chelsea (Aimee Lou Wood), adores Rick, but everything she says disturbs and irritates him. He never fails to take an opportunity to dismiss or demean her, especially when she is showing the most concern for Rick’s welfare. Frank receives from Rick what Rick is unwilling to offer his girlfriend: grace.16

Nonetheless, Rick’s response to Frank may become a template for Rick’s relationship with his girlfriend. His glancing down at his crotch after Frank has shared how much he misses “pussy” may suggest that Rick (unconsciously) notices his own lack or vulnerability. Perhaps he will continue to “notice” it, opening a pathway to become Chelsea’s lover.17

It is clear that Chelsea loves Rick. In episode 6, “Denials,” Saxon (Patrick Schwarzenegger) demands to know why Chelsea did not hook up with him the night before during the wild full-moon party on the boat (while Rick is away with Frank). Chelsea shares that Rick is her “soulmate” and that having sex with Saxon would, therefore, be “an empty experience.”

“Once you’ve connected with someone on a spiritual level, you can’t go back to cheap sex,” she says. “Hooking up with you would be an empty experience.” Chelsea further suggests that Saxon is empty: “You’re soulless,” she says to Saxon.

Saxon rightly takes Chelsea’s remark as an insult. There is another way of reading it. If Lacan is correct, and “love is giving what you don’t have,” Chelsea may have (unknowingly) transformed Saxon into a lover.18 Saxon’s challenge is to recognize his lack, something he has so far shown himself unwilling even to contemplate.

Chelsea may represent the possibility that our attachments need not be so beset by “lust and suffering.” In other words, Chelsea may teach us something about love’s diplomacy. Love can work a compromise between desire and jouissance.19

VII.

Enter: object a(utre) = the object cause of desire.

Sex may be, as Frank speculates, “a metaphor” for something, like “our forms.” Love is a metaphor for object a.

Love interrupts the repetition associated with an Ideal, like Woman. It does so by fixating desire on a piece of the Real (= object a), “recognized” by the Lover in their beloved.20 In so far as object a is associated with the Real and captures desire (sans repetition), it may be associated with a compromised (death) drive and jouissance.

Love inspires/causes, fixates, and satisfies desire. It empowers us to get off on “getting off the never-ending carousel of lust and suffering.”

Example: Consider Kylie Minogue’s hit music video, All the Lovers (2010). Her beloved refuses to move, to dance, to be activated by the summons of her love. “Love demands love.”21

Her beloved, we may speculate, is reasonably worried about “all the other lovers that have gone before” him. His mistake, however, is in his thinking that he is, for Minogue, just another beloved. She very clearly tells him (twice) that “all the other lovers who have gone before, they don’t compare to you. . . they don’t compare, all the lovers.”

Like Chelsea, Minogue “recognizes” object a in her beloved. So, unlike her beloved, she is unafraid to enter into the metaphor of love.22

VIII.

Like Kylie Minogue, Frank demands love. Rick offers it, becoming Frank’s incomparable lover.

Rick’s love may inspire Frank to “recognize” his Anora. Or, sticking with Plato’s Symposium, Rick’s love (= an avatar for object a) may enable Frank to “recognize” his ágalma in the real world, in a real Thai woman.

Fink reminds us that

[i]n Greek, [ágalma means] shine and brilliancy: ágalma is something admirable or charming . . . it is a trap for gods – it draws their eyes . . . it is an uncanny object or charm – the Trojan horse, for example, is referred to as ágalma.23

As a “trojan horse,” object a is disturbing. It is disturbing in several ways. First, it is a piece of the Real. It is “pussy.” Thus, love fixates our desire on what we find most disturbing or ugly. Second, in loving object a, we reveal that we love in pieces. Fink (somewhat defensively) observes that

any analyst who has taken the trouble to elicit and listen attentively to the fantasies of actual, living, breathing, human beings is aware that what turns people on in their partners is not the “total person” but something far more partial and specific.24

Love in real life is not normal love. Fink writes,

Often it may seem that we ordinary mortals . . . are willing to love only what we consider to be “normal” in our partner, excluding anything “bizarre,” “perverse,” “weird,” or “abnormal,” excluding, indeed, all that is specific to our partner’s subjectivity. . . we consciously think our partner’s urges and pleasures weird and abnormal, but secretly they intrigue us and turn us on.25

What about Frank’s “urges and pleasures” appeal to us?

“Being sober isn’t so hard,” Frank tells us, “[b]eing celibate, though. I still miss that pussy, man.”

Frank’s Buddhism puts “a halt to repetition,” but what of Rick’s grace? Will it reveal to Frank “the potential to find love and jouissance differently than before”?26

“Yeah”?


NOTES:

  1. Jacques Lacan, The Seminar of Jacques Lacan (Book VIII): Transference, ed. Jacques-Alain Miller, trans. Bruce Fink (2015), 357. ↩︎
  2. Bruce Fink, Lacan on Love: An Exploration of Lacan’s Seminar VIII: Transference (2016), 103. I have read a great deal of Lacan, but as I recently discovered, I don’t remember reading any of it. Bruce Fink, Lacan on Love, is an excellent way (back) into Lacan. It is uncanny how it reads like a commentary on Frank’s monologue. Also helpful for understanding Lacan is Dylan Evans, An Introductory Dictionary of Lacanian Psychoanalysis (1996), and Sean Horner, Jacques Lacan (Routledge, 2005). ↩︎
  3. Jacques Lacan, The Seminar of Jacques Lacan (Book X): Anxiety, ed. Jacques-Alain Miller, trans. A. R. Price (2004), 209. Cited by Fink, Lacan on Love, 135. ↩︎
  4. See Episode 5, “Full-Moon Party.” ↩︎
  5. We may think of their conversation as an “analytic exchange.” In this case, Rick is the analyst. See Leo Bersani (with Adam Phillips), the first chapter of Intimacies (2010), “The It in the I,” for a discussion of the 2003 film Confidences trop intimes “(translated, inaccurately but ingeniously, as Intimate Strangers)” (4). Anna (Sandrine Bonnaire) mistakenly confuses the tax consultant’s office with her therapist’s office (located just down the hall from the consultant’s). Anna starts to talk about “her ‘personal problem—a couples problem'” before the tax consultant, William (Fabrice Lucchini), has a chance to correct the situation. Bersani writes, “As the real analyst down the hall tells him later, William’s initial silence is understandable (both psychoanalysts and tax specialists are consulted by people with personal problems). . .” (5-6). Bersani argues that “William and Anna test the possibility of a de-professionalizing and perhaps subsequent universalizing of the conditions of an analytic exchange” (27). ↩︎
  6. Fink cites Macbeth: “[Alcohol], sir, it provokes and unprovokes: it provokes the desire but it takes away the performance.” See Macbeth, II.iii.29-30, and Fink, Lacan on Love, 23. ↩︎
  7. Victoria Ratliff (Parker Posey) comments that young people who stay in Buddhist monasteries have “no purpose.” ↩︎
  8. Lacan, The Seminar of Jacques Lacan (Book VII): The Ethics of Psychoanalysis, ed. Miller, trans. Dennis Porter (1997), 184. ↩︎
  9. Woman (singular) is intentional. ↩︎
  10. Fink, Lacan on Love, 153. ↩︎
  11. Fink, Lacan on Love, 102. ↩︎
  12. See note 3 above. ↩︎
  13. Lacan, The Seminar of Jacques Lacan (Book XX): On Feminine Sexuality, the Limits of Love and Knowledge, eds. Miller and Bruce Fink, trans. Fink (1999), 21. Cited by Fink, Lacan on Love, 181. ↩︎
  14. Fink, Lacan on Love, 180-181. ↩︎
  15. Another example of a transition in love: My husband asked me to go to the grocery store while he ran other errands with our son. He rightly interpreted the tone of my response to his reasonable request as an unwillingness to go to the store, and he became irritated with me. The tone and character of the conversation changed when I responded to his irritation by sharing that one of my car’s tires seemed to be going flat, and I was worried about driving on the tire and about it going flat in the store parking lot. ↩︎
  16. Similarly, when Frank wonders if he may be, on the inside, an Asian girl, Rick responds, “Right. I don’t know.” ↩︎
  17. Reading Fink, I realized the return of love can be shocking. “Although our tendency in past relationships,” Fink writes, “may have been to fixate on people who did not return our love, our misreading of our current beloved [i.e., construing them in the image of past relationships] may be such that we find our love being returned when we least expect it” (204). ↩︎
  18. Lacan, Seminar VIII, 129. Cited by Fink, Lacan on Love, 35. ↩︎
  19. However, her disdain for Saxon (mirroring Rick’s disdain for her) suggests the situation is more complicated. I think Chelsea is likely mistaken when she argues that because Rick is her “soulmate,” other men cease to be interesting or that sex with other men must be cheap and empty. It is far more likely that she loves Saxon, and something else, perhaps a sense of moral superiority, is holding her back from being Saxon’s lover. In any case, Chelsea is surely not indifferent to Saxon. ↩︎
  20. “Recognized” is in quotation marks because I am referring to an unconscious recognition of the disturbing. Also, if I have read Fink correctly, Ideal (e.g., Beauty) is a link between the Imaginary and the Symbolic. See, for example, Lacan on Love, 74-75, where Fink works out the connection between “ego-ideal” and “ideal ego.” ↩︎
  21. Lacan, Seminar XX, 4, cited by Fink, Lacan on Love, 36. ↩︎
  22. Lacan thinks Socrates made a similar mistake in his refusal to allow Alcibiades to become his lover. See Fink, Lacan on Love, 196ff. ↩︎
  23. Fink, Lacan on Love, 191. Anora also means shining light and is associated with what is honorable. ↩︎
  24. Fink, Lacan on Love, 192. ↩︎
  25. Fink, Lacan on Love, 203-204, emphasis is mine. ↩︎
  26. Fink, Lacan on Love, 206. ↩︎

How Fear Influenced the 2024 Election Outcome

Käthe Kollwitz, Seed Corn Must Not Be Ground, 1942.

I. How Did This Happen? Fear.

Donald Trump, a man who fomented an insurrection, was convicted of multiple felonies, found liable for sexual assault, and allegedly stole national security secrets, to name only a few of his past accomplishments, is now President-elect Trump, again.

How did this happen?! Fear.

Fear motivated millions of Americans to vote for Trump. Fear is what millions of Americans, especially the most vulnerable, are feeling right now. Their fear is amplified by the expressed commitments of Trump’s disturbing picks to lead government agencies to deport millions of immigrants, target trans* youth and adults, and otherwise embody the spirit of Project 2025.1

To claim that fear motivated Trump-aligned voters to go to the polls is not to trivialize their genuine concerns. Likewise, recognizing widespread fear among those who, like me, voted against Trump’s policies and cruel impulses does not mean looking down on them.

Fear can animate freedom movements and underly concerns about one’s pocketbook and safety. It is a uniquely powerful emotion that influences our actions far more than we would like to admit.

Sometimes, our fear is justified. Other times, it is not grounded in data, facts, or evidence. In either case, fear is self-protective in character. 

Attuning ourselves to emotions like fear also helps us keep our shared humanity at the forefront of our politics. For example, focusing on our propensity to fear does not require vilifying any one group of voters.

We must think critically about fear. The goal of this difficult work is a more hopeful politics. Moving away from fear, we move toward honest conversations about who and what we love.

II. What Is Fear?

In The Monarchy of Fear: A Philosopher Looks At Our Political Crisis (2018), a book inspired by Hillary Clinton’s electoral loss to Donald Trump in 2016, Martha C. Nussbaum observes that the experience of fear is “genetically first among the emotions” (20). It is our first feeling.

Fear is born of vulnerability. You are born into the world in a state of need. Some part of the world around you must provide for your needs, or you will die. “The only way you can get what you need is to make some other part of the world get it for you. . . . Human life, Rousseau understood, begins not in democracy but in monarchy. The baby . . . has no way of surviving except by making slaves of others” (21-22).2

The infant knows nothing of trust and regularity. Infants live in the moment. Haunting each moment of an infant’s satisfaction is fear: the perception that some part of the world (a “bad object”) will harm them, and there is nothing they can do about it (26-28). Fear involves the perception of danger and vulnerability.

We experience fear from the start of our lives, and it persists because we, human animals, are inherently vulnerable. “Fear. . .persists beneath all [our emotions] and infects them all, nibbling around the edges of love and reciprocity” (20).

“In the experience of fear, we draw on a common animal heritage. . . . Fear goes straight back to the reptilian brain” (27). Yet, as Joseph LeDoux argues, fear is not “‘in’ the amygdala” (27).3 Primal fear sticks with us but is “followed, later, by complicated, learned forms of that emotion” (28, emphasis mine).

The consciousness of death is a significant lesson in our education. Our awareness of death is beneficially motivating. It inspires us to avoid disaster and to create societies and laws that help us do the same. The recognition of death “might produce, as Rousseau devoutly hoped, compassion and reciprocity: we band together to protect one another from hunger, disease, and war” (43). However, a beneficial awareness of death requires a “concept of our well-being and of what, and who, threatens it” (44). What constitutes a “bad object” may have been straightforward at an earlier point in our evolutionary history, but it is not as clear today.

If we are to avoid disaster, we require a clear picture of what threatens our well-being. Our snake brains, families, clergy, and political leaders all contribute to our understanding of what we should fear. Nussbaum summarizes Aristotle’s rules for political leaders who desire to “whip up” our fear:

  1. “[P]ortray the impending event as highly significant for survival or well-being”
  2. “[M]ake people think it is close at hand”
  3. “[M]ake people think that things are out of control—they can’t ward off the bad thing easily on their own.”
  4. “[S]peakers must arrange to be trustworthy” (44-45).4

Our government deploys an Aristotelian approach to effectively whip up fear when a hurricane is barreling toward a coastline. We tend to trust the calls of state and local officials to evacuate our homes before the hurricane arrives because the evidence, facts, and data support the conclusion that our fear is justified. Yet, “our basic propensity to fear [makes] democratic societies . . . highly vulnerable to manipulation” (45).

Nussbaum draws on psychological research to describe two “heuristics” of fear. The first is the “availability heuristic,” and the second is the “cascade heuristic,” which has two aspects: reputational and informational (47-51).5 These heuristics can function to overwhelm our ability to carefully consider costs and benefits, instead activating our instinctual impulses.

Donald Trump effectively deploys each of the heuristics of fear. Trump uses the availability heuristic, creating an image of danger that is readily available to voters. He imagines that our country is being overrun by dangerous immigrants. To make the image even more visceral, Trump raises the specter of contamination, stating that immigrants are tainting American blood, infecting our country, and even, like rabid, wild animals, eating our beloved cats and dogs.6

According to Trump, immigrants are violently transgressing our borders, stealing our well-being, and trashing our country. The unprotected hole(s) of the national body lead to further fears, such as the erosion of gender norms, especially the “weakening” of normative American masculinity, which is imagined as a potent threat to American military might.  

The Trumpian image of a national body being raped by, for example, Haitian and Mexican intruders is immediately accessible to voters, and it inspires fear. Trump combines the availability heuristic with the cascade heuristic, motivating people to band together to overcome a(n imagined) threat to their well-being.

Trump’s base trusts him, and they believe immigrants pose an imminent threat to their personal security (the reputational aspect of the cascade heuristic). The threat is amplified by taking at face value new information linking immigration to the economy (jobs and housing costs), trans* liberty, race, national security concerns, and so on (the informational aspect of the cascade heuristic).

The heuristics of fear are highly motivating. They compel us to act together to avoid immediate danger. The problem arises when the fear they amplify is not based on a sober assessment of evidence, facts, data, or our experiences.

There are good reasons to avoid the path of a tornado and to act to stop or mitigate human threats like terrorist acts, acts of war, poverty, starvation, environmental pollution, and climate change. However, when our fear is unwarranted, it can destabilize democracy.

III. The Family of Fear: Anger, Disgust, and Envy

Fear, like anger, is sometimes well-grounded. However, anger born of unwarranted fear threatens to upend a democratic society.7

“According to Aristotle, anger is a response to significant damage to something or someone one cares about, and a damage that the angry person believes to have been wrongfully inflicted” (72). That’s reasonable enough, but what is often left out of our accounts of anger (although “[a]ll Western philosophers who talk about anger include” it) is the wish for retribution (73).8

What is most problematic about anger is the built-in desire for retribution. Retribution is problematic because we often get angry at actual wrongs that are not hugely important (e.g., someone forgets your name or cuts you off in traffic). Even when the wrongs are significant, retribution does not erase them or the pain they cause—and in some cases, there is no wrongdoer to punish. “The world is full of accidents” (82).

If we apply ourselves, anger and retribution can be separated, with the aim of ensuring a better future for everyone. Nussbaum calls this Transition-Anger, and she observes that parents know this type of anger well. Parents know that anger caused by actual wrongs can be turned toward ensuring better future outcomes that benefit the child and the entire family. Politically, peaceful protest and future-oriented punishments are examples of Transition-Anger.

Anger inspired by unwarranted fear leads us in an altogether different direction. When the world does not work the way we want it to, it is easy to blame others. “The act of pinning blame and pursuing the ‘bad guy’ is deeply consoling. It makes us feel control rather than helplessness” (82).

We compensate for our helplessness by believing that the world is just. Our faith in a “just world” leads us to think that the wrongs that happen to others are their own fault, while the wrongs that happen to us are the fault of others (82-83).

The Salem witch trials illustrate this point. Nussbaum notes “that a preponderant number of the witch blamers were young men entering adulthood, afflicted by the woes of an insecure colony in a new world: economic uncertainty, a harsh climate, political instability. How easy, then, to blame the whole thing on witches, usually elderly unpopular women, who can easily be targeted and whose death brings temporary satisfaction of mind” (83).

Retribution, whether inspired by well-grounded anger or not, does nothing to right a wrong or solve a genuine problem. It makes our lives worse. Therefore, we should be concerned about Trump’s manifest desire to be a figure of retribution. “One of the trickiest problems in politics is to persist in a determined search for solutions without letting fear deflect us onto the track of anger’s errors” (93).

Born of unwarranted fear, disgust, like fear-driven anger, “often leads us astray” (100). Disgust, unlike anger, “does not require wrongdoing or the threat of wrongdoing to get going.” It is an emotion inspired by our animality and mortality, “triggered . . . by bodily characteristics” that are or seem to be related to death and decay (100).9

According to researchers, disgust “is an aversion to contact that is motivated by the thought of contamination” (105). It is related to the fear of being tainted or infected by death and decay (106). Nussbaum points out that we are the only animals that try to sanitize ourselves through projects of transcendence, attempting to deny or forget our mortality/animality.

It is not easy to deny our bodies—their holes, smells, sounds, folds, secretions, excrement. So, we project our disgust onto others like Jews, trans* persons, Muslims, women, Black people, queers, people with disabilities, and immigrants. These groups come to figure change, animality, the erosion of tradition, and, if not controlled or eliminated, the infection of the traditional social body.

The way projective disgust works to stigmatize and isolate others is not predictable. For example, imagine a Mexican male—an immigrant in the U.S. illegally, working at a slaughterhouse—who supports Donald Trump. He argues that while he knows Trump is set on a policy of mass deportation, he does not believe Trump will deport family-oriented Latinos like him. However, many Mexican Americans fear being associated with Latinos like him, and they welcome his deportation.10

Envy is the third child of fear. It is the fear of “not having what one desperately needs to have” (140). It is “a painful emotion that focuses on the advantages of others, comparing one’s own situation unfavorable to theirs” (137). Again, there is a fantasy underlying this emotion, namely, a fantasy that “others have the good things and I do not . . .” (139).

Envy is dangerous because it combines feelings of powerlessness, inferiority, and despair. It works like this: Others have what you do not, and you are powerless to obtain those things. Not having those things makes you less than in the eyes of your neighbors who possess them. You will never be able to attain those good things that you desire.

Even when it is true that others have good things and you do not, envy functions like retribution: “it is destructive hostility” (140). Envy seeks to ruin the lives of those imagined to have all the good things you desire. In other words, envy-based fear does not contribute to a rights-based society that can provide the essential goods we all need to thrive and empower people to build their desired lives (163).

IV. Objects of Fear: Women

The family of fear gathers around the bodies of women. There is anger that “women have gotten out of hand” (169). There is disgust inspired by women’s bodies (a feeling not incompatible with male desire for those same bodies). There is envy related to women “enjoying unparalleled success in American life” (169). Nussbaum argues that “we don’t have to choose. All three are occurring, and they reinforce one another” (169). She also observes that this “same dynamic plays a role in hostility to immigrants” (171).

We have made progress: most men are no longer sexist. The idea that women are inherently inferior is just too obviously false. Nowadays, many men prefer outright misogyny: the act of putting women “back in their place.”

Men are not the only ones, of course, who support Trump. Women, especially white women, also support Trump. It may be that some women can put aside his explicit denigration of their bodies because they agree with many of his policies.

Other women may support Trump precisely for denigrating “those women,” women like Bette Midler, Carly Fiorina, Hillary Clinton, and Michele Obama. The status of “traditional women” is inextricably linked to taking care of and supporting the men and children in their lives. Traditional women “object on moral or religious grounds to women who pursue independence and career success . . . (185). Traditional women channel their anger at “uppity” women for diluting their brand.

Nussbaum argues, and I wholeheartedly agree, that “we should honor” any parent who chooses to stay home and care for children (and extended family). However, “the traditional model, which gave men free choice and told women that they had no choice, is surely wrong in a society of equals” (186). 

Envy also plays a role in white male perceptions of women’s successes beyond the traditional family. “There’s no doubt that white men, particularly in the lower middle classes, are indeed losing out” (191). The problem is that some white men seem beleaguered by the fantasy that they are being replaced by immigrants, women, and others in, for example, the workforce.

This is a powerful and dangerous fantasy due to the role a deep sense of entitlement plays in it. Some white men feel that employment and other forms of social success are their birthright. In that case, hostility is the only maladaptive tool left for them to secure a good future, at least for themselves.

Disgust is mixed into this potent, anti-democratic mixture, justifying the control of women’s more animal-like bodies and the enforcement of their lower status. The critical point is that this mixture of anger, envy, and disgust does not solve serious social problems. It does not prepare white men for the economy of the future. It does not ultimately prevent women, gay men, immigrants, and people of color from achieving their dreams. The family of fear mix maintains the status quo by undercutting the spirit of reciprocity, the spirit we require to provide for our collective needs, strengthen our democracy, and defend ourselves from a very real threat to our well-being: tyranny.

V. Resisting The Monarchy of Fear: Hope, Faith, and Love

Fear reacts to uncertainty by controlling others or voting for a tyrant, someone who promises to control others for us (212). Hope reacts to uncertainty by trusting others “to be independent and themselves” (211). We hope for a desired outcome precisely because it is not assured; it is an outcome we cannot control or guarantee. Thus, hope is not based on “probabilistic beliefs” (202-206).

Fear constricts our vision, while hope expands it (212). Hope entails an optimistic outlook (even when facing dangers of which we are rightly fearful). Moreover, hope can potentially motivate us to work toward a positive vision of our well-being.

“Idle hope” is not connected to optimistic action. “Pragmatic hope” is linked to an action plan. It is hope determined to realize a “valuable goal” (206-207).

However, hope is not naive. Kant “believed that we have a duty, during our lives, to engage in actions that produce valuable social goals. . . . Kant also understood . . . that when we look around us it is difficult to sustain our efforts . . . . He said that if we ask our own hearts the question, ‘Is the human race as a whole likable, or is it an object to be regarded with distaste?’ we just don’t know what to say” (208).11

For Kant, hope is a “practical postulate.” We can’t exactly justify hope. We hope “for the sake of the good action it may enable” (209).

Nussbaum reminds us that Saint Paul relates hope to faith and love, teaching that love is the greatest of the three (213, 1 Corinthians 13:13).12 Martin Luther King, Jr. follows in this tradition, “albeit not in a theistic and theological way, but in a this-worldly way that embraces all Americans” (213). King advocated for this-worldly faith in the power of protests and marches to effect meaningful change.

Rational faith is the belief in “[r]eal human beings and real human life.” It entails embracing “something that flawed human beings are capable of and might really do” (214). It also entails believing that “our opponents [have the capacity] for reasoning and a range of human emotions, whether badly developed and used or not” (216).

“Philosophy by itself shows how we can respect our enemies; it does not show us how to love them. For that we need the arts, and many of us need religion” (233). By love, Nussbaum does not mean either romantic love or the kind that would pertain to friendship. She means “a love that simply consists in seeing the other person as fully human, and capable at some level of good and of change” (216).

Fear, whether warranted or not, is protectionist in character. It defends the self (personal or social, “the larger self”) against imagined and real threats. Hope does not discount the wisdom of well-grounded fear; hope is simply not beholden to it. Hope envisions a social world of openness and trust.

We know that the pathway from fear to hope is fraught with challenges. In 2024, hope and change did not work; fear and the same did. What steps can we take to start moving again down the road that leads away from fear and toward hope?

Nussbaum defines six practices that potentially speak to our fear and enable a politics of hope. They are the arts, philosophy (i.e., Socratic dialogue), religion, protest movements, justice studies, and compulsory national service. It is easy to see the appeal of many of these practices for Nussbaum’s students at the University of Chicago. They are immediately accessible to her students. However, several of the listed practices feel different here and now as I write on November 13, 2024.

To the degree that the Socratic method entails civilly attending to conservative arguments against gay marriage or abortion access, as scholars like Nussbaum and Katie Wilson, author of Scarlet A: The Ethics, Law, and Politics of Ordinary Abortion (2018), believe it does—then it is likely that many of us will not become/continue as philosophers.13 After the fall of Roe and in a time of increasingly reasonable speculation about the possibility of Congress passing a national abortion ban and the conservative majority of the Supreme Court weakening or even overturning Obergefell, I don’t think many of us have the patience or the will to engage in this form of dialogue.

Motivated by Trump’s outrageous policies and cruelty, protest movements saw some initial successes during Trump’s first term. However, they ended up being largely ineffective in the long run. One reason for this is that they were not consistently focused on building the kind of political power that can get people elected and that can lead to the implementation of policies and the passing of laws in Congress. In some cases, the ideas generated by these movements were manifestly political poison pills (e.g., “defund the police”).14

Religion is another sore spot, especially for many LGBTQ+ individuals. I sought ordination in the early 2000s, when Presbyterians refused to ordain openly gay and proud individuals. The PC(USA) changed its position in 2011, and at great cost to its unity and size. In 2004, a twenty-something-kid embracing his sexual freedom, I decided it was better for me to find a new spiritual home. Ultimately, I stopped going to church.

Trump’s electoral victory in 2016 inspired me to return to church life after a decade-long break from it (much to the chagrin of my atheist husband). I am now a member of and ordained in the United Church of Christ.

The church I attend is, at least for me, a source of hope. Our senior pastor is a lesbian, and our entire leadership staff is composed of women. My church is Christ-centered, high-functioning, and justice-oriented (e.g., the church regularly provides meals to people emerging from poverty, supplies hygiene kits and furniture to relocating refugee families, grows food for a local organization that feeds people living below a certain income level, builds homes with Habitat for Humanity, advocates for low-income housing, regularly participates in community service projects, and partners with two local churches, one historically black, to fight racism).

In the early 1970s, the UCC became the first denomination in Christendom to ordain an openly gay man. However, the UCC is not a utopia. Churches in the UCC do not share one mind on the question of welcoming LGBTQ persons, especially those more defined by our sexuality.15

Evangelizing Christians is still necessary work, and it is hard work. It is often dispiriting and emotionally painful work. Consider the unfortunate rise of Christian nationalism and the fact that the vast majority of Christian voters (Black Protestants being a notable exception) pulled the lever for Trump in 2024, while Jews, Muslims, and the religiously unaffiliated broke decisively for Harris/Walz.

Whatever their downsides, Nussbaum’s practices of hope are potentially beneficial to many people seeking to get moving again, to move beyond fear into hopeful, democratic action. Given her attunement to psychoanalytic thinking, particularly Winnicott’s object relations theory, I find it interesting that Nussbaum does not explicitly define psychoanalysis as a practice of hope.

Nussbaum clearly imagines each of her hope practices as a form of the “talking cure” (61). Each is, in its own way, a “facilitating environment,” a community in which one may learn to speak and speak to one’s fears, thereby enabling hopeful movement in the world.16

Nonetheless, I think psychoanalysis deserves its own place on the list. Psychoanalysis, as a particular way of listening and speaking that is related to but not synonymous with the arts, activism, religion, justice, philosophy, and service, is a messier, less reasoned form of hopeful (dis)agreement.

VI. A Practice of Hope: Thinking Psychoanalytically

On Wanting to Change (2021), an extended reflection on the discontents of conversion by psychoanalyst Adam Phillips, is an excellent example of psychoanalytic thinking as a practice of hope. In this case, the object of fear is change. Phillips writes,

Both psychoanalysis and American Pragmatism are driven by a desire to help the individual keep things moving. For both Freud and [William] James, the enemy of pleasure and growth was stuckness, addiction, fixity, stasis. They teach us about the temptations of stultification, of the allure of inertia, of the wish to attack our own development; and they suggest, as we shall see, that conversion experiences all too easily become the desire for a change that will finally put a stop to the need for change; change in the direction of what is, to all intents and purposes, a satisfying and reassuring paralysis (converts to religious fundamentalism are not supposed to convert again to something else). They suggest, in significantly different ways, that we are so ambivalent about changing because there is nothing else we can do but change (as though, paradoxically, the fact that we change is the biggest threat to our freedom). And so psychoanalysis and pragmatism try to make wanting to change both appealing and inspiring, as opposed to it being some ineluctable, evolutionary, biological drive, or fate (“Preface”).17

Conversion in psychoanalysis functions like belief in a just world: it is a fantasy of control. Paradoxically, conversion—again, in its psychoanalytic form—is a type of change that promises to end change. “We talk of serial monogamists, and serial killers, but we don’t talk of serial converters” (6).

Why, however, do we want to control change by putting an end to it? What are we afraid of?

In the first chapter of On Wanting to Change, entitled “Conversion Hysteria,” Phillips analyzes a policy change. In 2012, the British Association for Counseling and Psychotherapy (BACP) changed its policy on conversion therapy, the goal of which is to convert homosexuals to heterosexuals. According to reporting by the Guardian, the BACP told its members that it “opposes any psychological treatment such as ‘reparative’ or ‘conversion’ therapy, which is based upon the assumption that homosexuality is a mental disorder, or based on the premise that the client/patient should change his/her sexuality” (4).

Phillips observes the forces of fear in BACP’s letter to its members. The letter implicitly reveals serious disagreement within BACP’s ranks. It manifests BACP’s desire to end the debate once and for all. BACP’s logic, if not its policy position, is entirely agreeable to those therapists who support conversion therapy, as it is the logic of conversion therapy itself. It is the kind of change someone or something demands of you.

Another irony is that BACP’s desire to end debate and force its members to convert to its official position is done in the name of liberal pluralism. “Like [John Stuart] Mill, the BACP believes that not only the individual but his whole society is the beneficiary of diverse sexualities, this being itself a judgement despite its promotion of supposedly ‘non-judgemental attitudes.’ Conversion therapies are opposed to diversity” (12).

An additional irony is that conversion is, like psychoanalysis, dependent on the power of language. Conversation makes us susceptible to conversion. “And, indeed, what do we think language is like, language being the primary medium of conversion, if it can have this kind of effect on people (language also being the medium of psychoanalysis and all the other talking therapies)? And one answer would be that, consciously or unconsciously, we think of language as daemonic. We think of ourselves as doing things with words, while language does things to us” (18).

Phillips, to be clear, is not defending conversion therapy, at least not the kind that demands homosexuals change into heterosexuals. Yes, sexuality, as Freud taught, can be converted—it can, that is, be displaced onto other areas of your life—which is to say it cannot be changed, only hidden. Phillips writes,

What [Freud] called “a capacity for conversion” was a capacity to change while remaining the same, a capacity not to renounce anything and replace what has been supposedly lost. “In neurosis,” Freud’s daughter Anna wrote in The Ego and the Mechanisms of Defence (1936), “whenever a particular gratification of instinct is repressed, some substitute is found for it. In hysteria this is done by conversion, i.e. the sexual excitation finds discharge in other bodily zones or processes which have become sexualized.” You don’t renounce the sexual desire, you sexualize other areas of your life: instead of being a voyeur, you love reading. Conversion, that is to say – in its psychoanalytic version – is a way of not having to change. It is the way the individual sustains the desires that sustain her (22, emphasis mine).

Conversion is often a form of aversion to conversation about your desire. It is a means of avoiding conversation about something disturbing, like who or what you love. Perhaps what the BACP does not want to talk about is the object of its love: namely, conversion therapists.

Phillips reminds us that the “word ‘conversion’ itself breaks down into a con version, ‘con’ meaning ‘to know, learn, study carefully’ or ‘to swindle, trick, to persuade by dishonest means. . . . I think psychoanalysis is best described as a form of honest persuasion. Or that, at least, is what it aspires to be” (19).

If we are lucky, our first honest “conversations” are with our mothers. Nussbaum notes that, for Winnicott, the “mother” represents a role and not a sexed person (34).18 She also recognizes that our moral character develops in and through this relationship or conversation. As the child begins to “relate to [their] parents as whole people,” they begin to develop “‘a capacity for concern’: the parent must not be destroyed” (34).

For Nussbaum, morality “operates in tandem with love, since it is love that leads the child to feel the badness of its own aggression” (34). What, however, if aggression is how the child tries to escape from the “conversation”?

“There is in [our susceptibility to change], whatever else there is,” Phillips writes, “a terrified misogyny; and a terror of our earlier, more dependent selves. A terror of something about love, and a terror about what the loss of love exposes” (15).

In psychoanalysis, the mother is “the woman who first, and hopefully often, converted us – the mother who was, in Christopher Bollas’s phrase, our first and formative ‘transformational object,’ the woman who, through her care, could radically change our mood; and ourselves as infants and young children desiring and depending on such benign conversion experiences as were possible” (15-16). According to Bollas, our earliest experiences of maternal conversions follow us into adult life. We seek an object that “promises to transform the self.”19

The subject of an honest conversation about conversion may be the disturbing power of maternal love “to transform the self.” Maternal love may be what we both fear and desire most of all, so we keep playing with conversion therapies.

“Conversion experiences all too easily, then, have a mixed but not actually a bad echo, both historically and personally,” Philips argues. “We want to get over them, and we don’t. We crave them, and we fear their failure or their unavailability. They link us to our losses, and they remind us of extraordinary boons and benefits. We crave them as opportunities and we fear them as tyrannies” (16, emphasis mine).

Freud was a Jew; he knew that sometimes one must convert to stay alive—to sustain their Jewish life in a hostile Christian and/or Nazi world (20-21). It is not the change they want; it is the change that is demanded of them, the only “change” available when honest conversation is a legitimate source of fear.

The change we genuinely fear is of a different variety because it is genuine change. It is the conversion we experience, if we are lucky, in conversation with our good enough “mothers.”

The recognition of the power of maternal love as a source of fear is reason to hope. We may learn that our fear of her love is not warranted. Thus, we need not hide our desire for it in aggression toward it.


Laura Vazquez Rodriguez, Inseparable, 2019.  

VII. A Vision of Hope: The Maternal City

Nussbaum argues that “[p]olitics begins where we begin” (21). Where we begin—again, if we are lucky—is in the good enough love of our “mothers.”

The politics of love is not and has never been fashionable. Remember, Hillary Clinton wanted to talk to you about love and kindness in 2016. Again, a majority of my fellow citizens living in 3 electorally significant states listened to what Donald Trump had to say instead.20

Hate did not win in 2016 or in 2024. Fear of maternal love did. To understand why maternal love frightens us, we have only to think about the religious practice of loving God.

For example, Christians claim to love God. They allegedly demonstrate this love in and through their love for their fellow human beings. Typically, Christians believe that Jesus Christ unites the two loves. For Christians, Jesus is both fully God and fully human. This means that, to love people, Christians must love what they can neither see nor possess, at least in this world, in people: God or the Other.

David M. Halperin observes that the “notion that all desire for the Other is really desire for God goes back to the origins of Christianity or at least to its Platonic roots in Augustine (Friedrich Nietzsche said that Christianity was simply ‘Platonism for the masses’ . . . ).”21 Halperin argues that the moral implications of how Augustine loves mortal objects are made clear in Book 8 of On the Trinity, “by which time Augustine had found the perfect boyfriend in Saint Paul, a lover who is not only dead but who died long before Augustine was born. What Augustine prizes now is the love with which he loves the goodness of Paul, which makes the practice of loving something you can do all by yourself or at least outside the presence of another living person.”22

Notice that Augustine does not love Paul. Augustine, in Platonic fashion, “loves the goodness of Paul.”

Plato, according to Halperin, thought that “erôs is . . . an irrational—or, rather, supra-rational—passion, a mania . . . erôs [qua erôs] . . . is ultimately a transcendental force.”23 Halperin argues that, for Plato, the “ultimate aim of erotic desire [erôs qua erôs] . . . is the lover’s perpetual possession of the good . . . and its ultimate object is the beautiful.”24 In other words, “[the value one pursues] cannot be possessed by possessing . . . things: it transcends the objects that are the media in or through which it constitutes itself.”25

Christian love of the other entirely depends on their loving the Other, God or Goodness, in the muck of the other’s flesh. Halperin observes that “Plato’s transcendental theory of desire offers . . . a cure to our suffering, a cure shaped from the start by the reality of the suffering it would spare us, but it can provide this cure only by abolishing the epistemic tension in love . . . by saving us once and for all from love’s irony”: we desire an ideal that we can never possess so long as our love is for a mortal object.26

Halperin strongly implies that the goodness of Saint Paul is a replacement for Augustine’s dead boyfriend: “a nameless boy of his own age, a fellow Manichean heretic, who got sick, was baptized while unconscious, renounced Manicheanism and returned to Christianity, resisted Augustine’s efforts to talk him out of it, and died when their friendship, ‘sweeter to me above and beyond all the sweetnesses of my life at that time,’ had barely lasted an entire year.”27 The experience of losing (what or who we) love disposes us to love what can never be lost because it is ultimately absent, at least in this world: God or the ideal.

Augustine is the ancient poster boy of conversion therapy. He learns to love another man, but only the one in his head. He learns to hide his love for another man in his love for God.

In the context of describing the conversions of both Paul and Augustine, Phillips asks, “[W]hat do we want to be converted away from? And can conversion really do the trick?” (70). Is the benefit of conversion worth the cost?

The final chapter of (third) Isaiah gives us reason to believe that the benefits of conversion are not worth the costs. Isaiah 66:1-24 is brimming with the spirit of hostile destruction: anger, disgust, and a future replete with envy. This is the final word, literally the final sentence of (third) Isaiah: “And they shall go out and look at the dead bodies of the people who have rebelled against me [i.e., God]; for their worm shall not die, their fire shall not be quenched, and they shall be an abhorrence to all flesh” (66:24).

Does loving God give us the life we want? Do we want to love God, or do we love God because the alternative feels too frightening?

In the midst of the tragedy that is the final chapter of (third) Isaiah, there is what historian Howard Zinn describes as the “past’s fugitive moments of compassion rather than . . . its solid centuries of warfare.”28 At the center of Divine retribution is a fugitive moment of compassion, the maternal city, we may desire and desire to center in our analysis:

Rejoice with Jerusalem, and be glad for her,
    all you who love her;
rejoice with her in joy,
    all you who mourn over her—
that you may nurse and be satisfied
    from her consoling breast,
that you may drink deeply with delight
    from her glorious bosom.

For thus says the Lord:
I will extend prosperity to her like a river
    and the wealth of the nations like an overflowing stream,
and you shall nurse and be carried on her arm
    and bounced on her knees.
As a mother comforts her child,
    so I will comfort you;
    you shall be comforted in Jerusalem.

 You shall see, and your heart shall rejoice;
    your bodies shall flourish like the grass . . . . (Isaiah 66:10-14).

Centering the city may seem like an unfortunate choice in an essay that seeks, in part, to make sense of the appeal of Donald Trump, whose passionate supporters live mostly in rural towns and counties across the country. In The Country and The City (1975), Raymond Williams writes, “‘Country’ and ‘city’ are very powerful words, and this is not surprising when we remember how much they seem to stand in for the experience of human communities” (1).

For me, the city is an especially powerful word. In the early 2000s, I moved from rural Idaho to Chicago. It was in Chicago that I learned how to be gay—that is, how (not) to love.

The city was, for me, a “consoling breast,” a place to “drink deeply with delight.” Chicago carried me on “her arm, and dandled [me] on her knees.” I cried a lot in Chicago, and I was always “comforted” by her. I met the man who became my husband in Chicago, and many of my closest friends still live there or are from there.

Williams also observes that “[p]owerful hostile associations have . . . developed: on the city as a place of noise, worldliness and ambition; on the country as a place of backwardness, ignorance, limitation” (1). As novels like Balzac’s Lily of the Valley, and Brontë’s Wuthering Heights make clear, the city and the country have much more in common than we often imagine they do.

Chicago is, as conservative media likes to point out, full of “worldliness.” Like many small towns, it is filled with anger, disgust, and envy (just watch The Dressmaker [2015]). Just as my small hometown is beset by social challenges like cruelty, racism, poverty, boredom, and provincialism, so is life in Chicago made precarious by high taxes, high rents, high crime, racial strife and segregation, economic inequality, enormous potholes, smelly El cars, corrupt politicians, a troubled public education system, and the hubris of union bosses.

Loving God may seem like the just solution to these seemingly unsolvable, maddening human problems. Or, it may be an all too common way we avoid having a hopeful conversation about who or what we want to love.

An alternative to loving God may be found in an unlikely place: the letters of Saint Paul. Halperin hedges his bets when he argues that the “notion that all desire for the Other is really desire for God goes back to the origins of Christianity or at least to its Platonic roots in Augustine” (emphasis mine). Halperin may be implying that Paul is to blame for all our problems, but the fourth century is, in fact, “the [origin] of Christianity.” Paul was long gone by then.29

Paul, for his part, collapses the dual commandment to love God and to love one another into one simple, straightforward command: love one another (e.g., Romans 13:8-12). The radical character of Pauline love is often entirely lost on religious people (and on many of Paul’s cultured despisers).

Religious people, in particular, may be susceptible to Donald Trump’s message because the politics of love and kindness is a genuine threat to the monarchy of fear. It actually threatens the self-protective self. It represents a project of self-transformation, represented by the (theological) cliché, “Open your hearts.” Yet, if we really think about it, the benefits of (re)creating a maternal city seem to outweigh the costs of giving up on our fear. At the very least, it is a possibility worth talking about.


Notes:

  1. The U.S. of House of Representatives is even now, November 18, 2024, trying to change House rules to bar the first openly trans* woman elected to Congress, Delaware state senator Sarah McBride, from using the women’s restroom. The effort is being led by Nancy Mace. When asked if she has spoken to McBride, Mace declared, “Sarah McBride doesn’t get a say. I mean, this is a biological man.” The next day, on her X account, she apparently called for respect and kindness. What is Mace afraid of? ↩︎
  2. See Rousseau, Emilie: or On Education (1762), Book I, 66. Nussbaum does not “follow the details of his views, but develops his initial insight in [her] own way” (22). ↩︎
  3. See Joseph LeDoux, The Emotional Brain: The Mysterious Underpinnings of Emotional Life (1998). ↩︎
  4. See Aristotle, Rhetoric I.2,9 and II.5. ↩︎
  5. See, e.g., Cass R. Sunstein, Risk and Reason: Safety, Law and Environment (2002). ↩︎
  6. Trump does not make a distinction between immigrants and refugees. The essential difference being that refugees are seeking asylum and residing in the U.S. legally. ↩︎
  7. See also Nussbaum, Anger and Forgiveness: Resentment, Generosity, Justice (2018). ↩︎
  8. See, Aristotle, Rhetoric, II.2. ↩︎
  9. See also Nussbaum, Hiding from Humanity: Disgust, Shame, and the Law (2004), dedicated to David Halperin, and From Disgust to Humanity: Sexual Orientation and Constitutional Law (2010). See the final chapter of the latter text for a rigorous defense of sex work and public sex. ↩︎
  10. It was reported on November 13, 2024 that Trump desires to deport one million immigrants a year. Just today, November 18, 2024, Trump promised to deploy the U.S. military in this operation. Hopefully, his demonstrated incompetence will stop him from implementing this and other cruel policies. ↩︎
  11. See Kant, “On the Common Saying: That May Be True in Theory, But It Is of No Use in Practice,” in Kant: Political Writings (1991), ed. Hans Reiss. ↩︎
  12. It is in the context of describing a reasonable love that Paul asserts that he “put an end to childish ways” (1 Corinthians 13:11). Perhaps he means that what constitutes love is not always clear, at least to adults. “For now we see in a mirror, dimly” (13:12). ↩︎
  13. See Nussbaum, Monarchy of Fear, 226-231. ↩︎
  14. Defund the police” is a very powerful theological idea, at least to this gay white Christian theologian. As a politics, especially one attuned to people’s propensity to fear, it is toxic, especially to political campaigns that agree on the need for reforms in policing. ↩︎
  15. See Michael Warner, The Trouble With Normal: Sex, Politics, and the Ethics of Queer Life (1999): “So although sex is public in this mass-mediatized culture to a degree that is probably without parallel in world history [esp. now, in 2024], it is also true that anyone who is associated with actual sex can be particularly demonized . . . . But some people are more exposed in their sexuality than others” (23). ↩︎
  16. Cancel culture” has generally proven deleterious to the necessary task of creating environments wherein people may share disturbing thoughts, even and especially about what and who they fear. While I do not make an easy distinction between a person and their thoughts/actions, I do believe that a person can change their thought/actions, and so they can become a different kind of person. Honest, open, safe, and ongoing dialogue is, I believe, essential to this effort. ↩︎
  17. All references are to the Kindle edition. ↩︎
  18. Nussbaum writes, “(Winnicott made it clear that that ‘mother’ was not a specifically gendered person. . . .”) (34, emphasis mine). The “mother” is manifestly a gendered role. So, I have used sex in this context to indicate that “mother” can be either a male or a female person. ↩︎
  19. See Bollas, The Shadow of the Object: Psychoanalysis of the Unthought Known (2017). ↩︎
  20. Foucault asserts that “[i]magining a sexual act that does not conform to the law or to nature, that’s not what upsets people. But that individuals might begin to love each other, that’s the problem. That goes against the grain of social institutions. . . . The institutional regulations cannot approve such. . . . relations: relations that produce a short circuit and introduce love where there ought to be law, regularity, and custom.” David M. Halperin cites Foucault’s comments made in an interview with Le Bitioux, et al., “De l’amitié come mode de vie,” 38, in Saint Foucault: Towards A Gay Hagiography (1995), 98. See, further, now Halperin, “Queer Love,” Critical Inquiry, 45.2 (Winter 2019): 396-419. ↩︎
  21. See David M. Halperin, “What Is Sex For?,” Critical Inquiry 43 (Autumn 2016): 1-31, esp. 28. ↩︎
  22. See Halperin, “The Best Lover,” in Dead Lovers: Erotic Bonds and the Study of Premodern Europe (2007), eds. Basil Dufallo and Peggy McCracken, 8-21, esp. 12-14. Halperin again alludes to Augustine in How To Be Gay (2012). See the book’s epigraph. ↩︎
  23. See Halperin, “Platonic Erôs and What Men Call Love,” Ancient Philosophy 5 (1987): 161-204, esp. 163. ↩︎
  24. Halperin, “Platonic Erôs,” 168. ↩︎
  25. Halperin, “Platonic Erôs,” 168. ↩︎
  26. See Halperin, “Loves Irony: Six Remarks on Platonic Eros,” in Erotikon: Essays on Eros, Ancient and Modern (2005), eds. Shadi Bartsch and Thomas Bartscherer, 48-58, esp. 52. ↩︎
  27. Halperin, “The Best Lover,” 13, and Augustine, Confessions 4.4.7. ↩︎
  28. See the “Introduction to the Thirty-Fifth Anniversary Edition of a People’s History of the United States” (2015) by Anthony Arnove. ↩︎
  29. See, e.g., Rosemary Radford Reuther, “Judaism and Christianity: Two Fourth-Century Religions,” in Sciences Religieuses / Studies in Religion 2 (1972): 1-10. ↩︎

Marriage 101

Adam Phillips’s book, Monogamy, is a collection of 121 (think 1 to 1, the logic of a certain kind of relationship) provocative aphorisms. Monogamy has activated my curiosity (see here, here and, here) by highlighting what we so often ignore (and, manifestly, at our peril): the problem of (the promise of?) infidelity.  

Here is my try at aphorism making:

#101

Heterosexuals say they are happily married, but one can never be sure because they always declare their matrimonial bliss with a straight face. Homosexuals also say they are happily married, but not without having a laugh.

The Irony of Loving Monogamy

Wedding dress designed by John Galliano, worn by Gwen Stefani, 2002

“Certainly, to talk about monogamy is to talk about virtually everything that might matter. . . . Monogamy is a kind of moral nexus, a keyhole through we can spy on our preoccupations.” – Adam Phillips, Monogamy, ii.

“Nothing defeats us like success. It is always more baffling—more essentially ironic—than failure.” — Adam Phillips, Monogamy, #47.

“Owe no one anything, except to love one another.” — Paul of Tarsus, Romans 13:8

I.

I am no apologist for monogamy.

Yet, most people desire it for themselves. And most people, even those for whom it seems to be working out well, don’t seem to love monogamy. I think that is interesting.

Most people don’t love monogamy, but yet they still believe in it. So, it is worth asking: What promises to make loving monogamy promising?

My answer is irony. Irony is the key to loving monogamy. Or so I will now argue.

Monogamy is a sacred cultural norm, but as Adam Phillips, in a fascinating interview regarding his book, Monogamy (1996), observes, “the flawed relationship, or the relationship that doesn’t work, gets all the press.” We have a lot of interest in relational failure.

What we don’t have, according to Phillips, “is . . . very good language for celebrating good relationships. There’s a sense in which the good monogamous relationship . . . doesn’t have very good language to describe it. I think that is interesting.”

In the aforementioned interview, Phillips searches for good enough language to describe “what makes relationships between people work.”

I think what makes relationships work between people is extremely mysterious. I mean, we used to call it chemistry. And if it weren’t so silly, I’d want to go back to using words like that. Something really quite mysterious and unpredictable happens between people.

The “mysterious and unpredictable” quality of relationships between people is likely what inspires us to lean on the language of faith to describe relationships that work, as the “mysterious and unpredictable” quality of those relationships likely calls forth our, to use Julia Kristeva’s idea for my own purposes, “incredible need to believe.”

“Believing in monogamy,” Phillips writes, “is not unlike believing in God” (Monogamy, #1).

II.

Mechthild of Magdeburg offers us one interesting example of what it is like to believe in God. In Flowing Light of the Godhead (written between 1250-1280 CE), Mechthild seeks sex with God. Advised instead “to refresh [herself] in love” by bowing “down to the small Child in the lap of the eternal virgin,” she refuses (see Book I, §44).

Mechthild refuses to accept the blessed child as a proxy for her Lover/God. “That is child’s love, that one suckle and rock a baby,” she asserts. “I am a full-grown bride. I want to go to my Lover” (§44).

She is warned about how dangerous is such a direct approach to God: “Oh, Lady, if you go there / We shall go completely blind / The Godhead is so blazing hot” (§44). So warned, she goes directly to God.

Upon meeting her Lover, Mechthild is encouraged to take off all of her clothes. What follows is a kind of anticipatory silence between them. She discreetly alludes to what happens next: “What happens to her then—she knows— / And that is fine with me” (§44).

Mechthild and God enjoy a quickie. “[T]his cannot last long,” she observes. And they depart from one another “inseparably” (§44).  

The brief sexual meeting of Mechthild and God is described as taking place in secret: “When two lovers meet secretly / They must often part from one another inseparably” (§44). In seeking sexual intimacy with God through contemplation (the 13th-century virtual world?), the Beguine mystic secretly escapes her existing relationship to the world, including to the Church.

Mechthild’s theology is interesting because she explicitly includes sexual pleasure as a feature of what it is like to believe in God. “And about pleasure we are all mystics.” Or so Phillips argues. “We are all terrified of suffering too much of it. For some people the best solution to this is infidelity, for others monogamy. To each [their] own asceticism” (#71).

Mechthild’s asceticism is, I think, a form of infidelity. Infidelity, however, is not always what we think it is. In escaping her existing relationship to the world of people, she reveals the one with whom she is actually doing monogamy. She desires God. Infidelity is always intertwined with monogamy.

Infidelity, moreover, is not always as dangerous as we think it is. “People have relationships,” Phillips contends, “not because they want to feel safe—though they often think they do—but because they want to find out what the danger is. This is where infidelity can let people down” (#34).

Mechthild, warned about the danger of rawdogging God, ends up proving herself right: there is, in fact, no danger in having sex with God. Prior to hooking up with God, she argues: “A fish in water does not drown. / A bird in the air does not plummet. / Gold in fire does not perish. . . . / How, then, am I to resist my nature? / I must go from all things to God / Who is my Father by nature” (§44). Sex with God is, for Mechthild, the safest sex imaginable because it is sex with her very nature.

Her “nature” begins to take on meaning when she refuses the blessed Child. Her desire to go directly to God is about far more than an unwillingness to allow Jesus to fuck up her relationship with God. “Child’s love,” notice, is defined in parental, specifically maternal, terms. It is “child’s love, that one suckle and rock a baby.” In refusing the blessed Child, Mechthild is refusing to identify with the maternal figure of her love story. So “utterly formed to [God’s] nature, / not the slightest thing,” however, “can come between [her] and [God, her Father by nature]” (§44). Mechthild radically identifies with God the Father.

The meaning of her “nature” is also signified by the easy interchability of the main roles in her love story, Lover and beloved. Mechthild clearly defines God as the Lover of her story. Yet, she is the one who is obsessed with God. She is the one who knocks down the door to God’s bedchamber. She is the one who insists on sex with God. In this story, Mechthild is the Lover, or God (i.e., the subject of erôs)—and God is the beloved, or Mechthild (i.e., the love-object).

Sex with God is the safest sex one can think of because God is, at least in Book I, §44 of Flowing Light, Mechthild (and vice versa). Sex with God is the safest sex, the safest incest one can think of because it is not unlike masturbaton. “My sexual relationship with myself,” Phillips observes, “is a study in monogamy” (#60).

“The virtue of monogamy,” Phillips contends, “is the ease with which it can turn sex into masturbation [which Phillips also describes as “safe incest”]; the vice of monogamy is that it gives you nothing else. . . . The only truly monogamous relationship is the one we have with ourselves” (#101).

Believing in God is not unlike the incredible need to believe in ourselves.

Nonetheless, most people are not as faithful to God as is Mechthild. “Why,” wonders Phillips, “do we, at least apparently, [continue to] have sex with other people, why include them at all?” (#101). What is the danger?

III.

David M. Halperin identifies a surprising feature of sex that may account for why we want to include, apparently, other people in our sex lives. The danger of sex with an-other person is the promise of love.

In “What Is Sex For?” (2016), Halperin tries to make sense of why Adele’s hit song, “Someone Like You” (2011) is “blaring” from a gay bathhouse in Hanoi. To that end, he turns to Aristotle, specifically to Aristotle’s Prior Analytics, chapter 22 of part 2.

According to Halperin, Aristotle argues “that it is in the nature of erotic desire itself to seek—in and through sex, customarily—the experience of being loved. Love is the telos of erotic desire. It is not love that aims at sex as its goal or that seeks to express itself through the act of sex. It is sex that aims at love” (19, emphasis original).

To the subject of erôs, to the one inhabited by erotic desire (rather than by lust or by appetite), sex is, customarily, a means to love. I initially read Halperin’s summary of Aristotle to mean that sex mediates between erotic desire (or passion) and love: erotic desire, through sex, seeks love.

My initial reading of Halperin’s summary of Aristotle was a promising mis-reading, as it provoked thought about the space between erotic desire and love. However, as the last sentence of the summary above indicates, erotic desire is taking the form of sex in Aristotle’s argument. Erotic desire = sex.

Halperin goes on to significantly complicate Aristotle’s already subtle sexual logic. For example, he wonders if sex does, in fact, naturally seek love? Does erotic desire naturally seek what is beyond itself? Halperin does not directly answer that question in “What Is Sex For?,” but he does answer it in an earlier work, How To Be Gay (2012).

Sex, however, is not the subject of How To Be Gay. Erotic desire customarily, but not always, takes the form of sex. It can take other, cultural, forms. Erotic desire can take the form of an obsession with interior design or with feminine figures, like Joan Crawford. Halperin explores the cultural vicissitudes of erotic desire in How To Be Gay.

The lesson of How To Be Gay is that erotic desire does not, not naturally, seek love. Mechthild’s example teaches us the same lesson, but in a different erotic sphere: sex does not naturally seek love-objects: objects beyond the confines of its exacting criteria.

Erotic desire does not, not naturally, seek what is beyond itself. Its love-objects are always underwhelming. So, if what we want is to somehow love the objects of our desire, then we must learn to do something with our erotic desire.

If what we want is a loving monogamy, then we must learn to ironize sex.

IV.

In How To Be Gay, traditional gay male culture teaches its disciples how to re-direct erotic desire through irony, specifically through camp irony, to its love-objects. Describing camp irony may give us an example of how to ironize sex, of how to think of sex in terms of irony.

To that end, we may consult a promising section of How To Be Gay. Notice how camp and intimacy are intimately intertwined in the lengthy citation below. Moreover, camp and intimacy are linked in the context of explaining the lasting character of a monogamous relationship:  

Many years ago I asked a friend of mine in Boston, who had been living with the same boyfriend for a very long time, if it had ever occurred to them to want to get married. “Oh, no,” he said with a laugh, “we’d have terrible fights over who got to wear the wedding dress.” That witticism, if it had been directed against someone other than oneself, or against someone other than the person one loved, would have registered as merely demeaning in its implicit demotion of a man from the noble rank of male dignity to the lower rank of female triviality. And it would be doubly demeaning in the context of gay male love: since male homosexuality sees in masculinity an essential erotic value, to portray oneself or one’s partner as characterized by feminine identification to public mockery, would be to depreciate oneself or one’s boyfriend as a sexual object and vehicle of sexual fantasy.

. . . .

Leo Bersani conveys powerfully the sense of gay chagrin at the ineluctable failure of gay masculinity by citing “the classic put-down: the butch number swaggering into a bar in a leather get-up opens his mouth and sounds like a pansy, takes you home where the first thing you notice is the complete works of Jane Austin, gets you into bed and—well, you know the rest.”

Or in the unlikely event that, even after getting you into bed, he still managed to keep up butch appearances, all your remaining illusions would be shattered—according to the lead character of Armistead Maupin’s Tale of The City (1978)—when you eventually excused yourself to use his bathroom and discovered his supply of personal cosmetics.

. . . .

It is in this context that my friend’s remark about his boyfriend and himself coveting the wedding dress reveals its true significance. To utter it is to know oneself and one’s love-object as unworthy of the serious consideration that is masculine dignity’s due. It is to disclaim the presence to masculine authenticity, and the erotic credit that accrues to it, and to refuse in camp fashion to dignify oneself at the expense of someone else’s shame. At the same time, it insists that such inauthenticity is not incompatible with gay love. . . . On the contrary, it demonstrates that inauthenticity is not fatal to love, that seriousness does not have to prevail over irony in order for love to thrive and to endure.

To see through one’s own erotic illusions without withdrawing from one’s love-object its worthiness to be loved, to disclaim one’s entitlement to respect while continuing to assert it, to love and be loved without endowing one’s love with dignity; this is the possibility that traditional gay male culture holds out to its adherents. The supreme wisdom consists in living one’s life knowingly as melodrama—understanding full well (if not necessarily explicitly) that melodrama signifies both a degraded genre of literary discourse and a debased pragmatic genre of emotional expression: a despised, feminized, laughable, trivial style of expressing one’s feelings.

No wonder my friends from Boston could build a lasting relationship together while the gay baths and back rooms and sex clubs and online cruising sites thrive on the business of gay romantics, who prefer their own illusions, their fantasies of love, to actual people—people who, after all, cannot sustain those illusions, not at least for very long. That last remark is hardly intended as a put-down of those who frequent the baths . . . ; it’s just a reminder of what those unique gay male institutions are for. Which is not to help us live happily ever after, but to enable us to crowd as many anti-social thrills as possible into the moment and to provide us with a structured communal space in which to . . . discharge our romantic fantasies—without doing ourselves or our partners any lasting harm.

To live one’s life as melodrama, to do so knowingly and deliberately, is not of course to refuse to take it seriously—as any gay Joan Crawford fan . . . can tell you. But it is to accept the inauthenticity at the core of romantic love, to understand romantic love as a social institution, an ideology, a role, a performance, a social genre, while still, self-consciously and undeceivedly, succumbing to it.

In short, it is to do what is otherwise culturally impossible—impossible for normal folks, that is to combine passion with irony (291-294).

Participation in gay male culture enables the boyfriends from Boston to do what would otherwise be impossible, “impossible for normal folks, that is to combine passion with irony.” By putting on, if you will, a wedding dress, the boyfriends from Boston reveal their identification with a particular form of irony, with a particular fashion style, namely camp.

“Camp fashion,” as Halperin defines it above, is a refusal “to dignify oneself at the expense of someone else’s shame.” The specific object of its refusal is seriousness. Camp refuses to take masculinity seriously, as something other than a role, an ideology, a melodramatic performance. And at the same time, camp does not dismiss the erotic value of masculinity simply because it is a performance. To the contrary, camp enables one to “self-consciously and undeceivedly” enjoy it—and even to “[succumb] to it.”

It is camp fashion, camp irony, that enables the boyfriends from Boston to live their lives “knowingly as melodrama,” to embody both passion and irony at once—and it promises to make their relationship promising or lasting.

The couple’s participation in camp culture is contrasted in the citation above with gay male participation in sexual institutions like “gay baths and back rooms and sex clubs and online cruising sites.” All those gay male romantics wandering the halls of the baths, clothed only in simple white towels, indicate that there is nothing essentially ironic about (gay male) sex.

That is why Adele’s hit song, “Someone Like You,” blaring from a bathhouse in Hanoi, is so interesting. Like the wedding dress, the song alerts us to the (probable) presence of gay male culture. “[I]t is probable,” Halperin writes in “What Is Sex For?,” “that at least some bathhouse patrons, especially those of us who go often, have a further purpose in returning to those venues again and again . . . . Could we be in search of something that sex promises but does not, by itself, offer us . . . ,” namely “someone like you”?

Sex “promises” something that it cannot, “by itself,” deliver—and the (probable) presence of gay male culture reveals what sex requires to get to love: irony. Subjects of erôs must learn to “see through” their erotic illusions. Seeing through their erotic illusions, they are enabled to enjoy the “butch number” or the hot sex while also refusing to withdraw from the other person, on account of the sound of their voice, their obsession with Jane Austen, or their personal cosmetics (on account of their failure to perfectly live up to the exacting demands of erotic desire), their worthiness to be loved.

V.

We now recognize camp as an erotic style, a way of combining what is serious and unserious, sacred and profane, passionate and ironic. But we are trying to describe the erotic style appropriate to sex. Describing how camp camps—how, that is, camp manages to combine traditionally opposed, unequal social values—will help us more precisely define the erotic style appropriate to our sex lives.

What camp does is teach us how to demean erotic desire. “Gay may culture,” Halperin writes in How To Be Gay, “has . . . elaborated a distinctive, dissident perspective on romantic love [i.e., erotic desire], which straight people often regard as cynical. . . ” (294). Straight people regard it as cynical because “its irony . . . seems to them to undermine the seriousness and sincerity of love, and thereby demean it” (294, emphasis mine).

“Camp doesn’t preach;” Halperin observes, “it demeans” (191). It demeans the serious, the sacred, the masculine. In other words, camp sets erotic desire free; it breaks “the romantic monopoly on it,” making it “more widely available” for “social uses,” ending “the antagonism between love [i.e., erotic desire] and society, between love [i.e., erotic desire] and friendship, between the happy couple and the community.” It is this “camp sensibility” that, “at their wisest, gay male love [i.e., erotic] relationships exemplify and embody” (295).

Camp demeans erotic desire in a cultural context. In our sexual relationships, fucking is a word that registers something other than respectul, self-edifying coitus. In the sexual sphere, it seems promising to ironize erotic desire by fucking it.

By fucking erotic desire, the subjects of erôs, at least those who participate in gay male culture, are enabled to “see through” their erotic illusions, to see through what is taken as deadly serious, and to recognize it as a role that can be “undeceivedly” enjoyed. The aim is to end antagonisms (e.g., between the sacred and the profane, self and other), to make love (or friendship) with an-other a promising possibility.

VI.

The reason why fucking or demeaning erotic desire matters is latent in the idea of what it promises to make promising: the end of antagonisms, love of/friendship with an-other one. Fucking erotic desire (e.g., masculinity, the Sacred, monogamy, etc.) is a means of democratizing it (or, as Halperin also argues, desublimating it [294]). Fucking erotic desire is the erotic fashion of embodying what are traditionally opposed, unequal social values (e.g., fidelity and infidelity).

Again, a simple social practice, one we may playfully describe as drinking erotic desire, may help us to more clearly define what is at stake in fucking it: democracy or love.

In “Small Town Boy: Neil Bartlett Learns How to Be Gay” (2007), Halperin highlights power inequalities between differently aged gay men. The social practice proposed as a means of negotiating power disparities between said men is, now citing Bartlett, “that man buying his younger boyfriend (slightly embarrassed, but happily drunk) another drink.”

Bartlett cannot think the seemingly simple, everyday practice of an older man buying his younger boyfriend a drink without remembering “that man,” Oscar Wilde: “I remember the bizarre twisting of mythologies [i.e., romantic illusions] Wilde used to justify his adoration of young men,” Bartlett writes, “the mixing of a pastiche of Classical pederasty with a missionary zeal for the ‘criminal classes,’ the sense that they, not the boys he left sleeping in [his home in] Chelsea, were his true sons . . . .”  Remembering this history, “[o]ur history,” according to Bartlett, “becomes a way of understanding and exploring the change in our [present day] culture [i.e., of writing a history of the present], not simply of reading it as an ‘end.’”

From Bartlett’s perspective, an older man buying his younger boyfriend a drink “is not,” Halperin observes, “necessarily a mere recapitulation of archaic and unchanging forms of social hierarchy, upper-class sexual privilege and working-class sexual prostitution.” It is, at least potentially, now again citing Bartlett, “a new kind of relationship, an affair of the heart somehow appropriate to the meeting of two different men . . . .”

“Differences in age and wealth,” Halperin writes, “may actually be serving new, dynamic social functions, creating possibilities . . . among men who are asymmetrically situated according to conventional class hierarchies but are brought into approximate equality by the reciprocal exchanges of contemporary gay male life.”

Sex—well, at least understood from within the logic of Adele’s “Someone Like You”—may not be unlike that drink between an older man and his younger boyfriend (perhaps they are sitting at bar while Whitney Houston’s hit song, “How Will I Know?,” plays in the background?). That drink “may actually be serving new, dynamic social functions, creating possibilities . . . among men who” occupy differently valued social categories and by bringing them “into approximate equality.” Sex, like that drink, may become, to use Bartlett’s terms, “an affair of the heart somehow appropriate to the meeting of two different men.”

VII.

Monogamy/marriage can’t, as Phillips argues, be an affair—but it is possible that fucking sex may re-make it into a matter “of the heart somehow appropriate to the meeting of two different men,” two different women, two different people (#83).

Loving monogamy is not unlike dis-believing in God.

Un-faithfulness to God is not what we learn from Mechthild’s example. In Flowing Light, at least Book I, §44, we walk in on Mechthild masturbating; we witness Mechthild’s incredible need to believe in herself. She is both the subject and object of erotic desire.

Mechthild, however, is different from other subjects of erôs, such as the “romantics” we encountered in the lengthy citation from How To Be Gay. Romantics are constantly disappointed when their love-objects, recognized as distinct objects in the world, fail to conform to their erotic illusions. Mechthild is her own love-object.

Mechthild does not admit any space between her and her love-object. There is no room to hope for irony in Mechthild’s erotic life. She is “so utterly formed to [God’s] nature” that “not the slightest thing can be between [her] and [God, her Father by nature].”

Mechthild and gay male romantics do share one thing in common. They look up to the heavens. This is where fidelity can sometimes let people down.

Mechchild’s love story may prove promising, however, for the idea that God, the word par excellence for the deadly serious, the seriously masculine, the Sacred, wholeness/health, etc, is dtf.

The promise of a fuckable God, of a fuckable monogamy, a monogamy we learn to take im-personally or un-seriously, is what God’s fuckablity makes promising: a lasting, loving relationship with an-other, or a loving monogamy. Fucking God, we, at least potentially, empower an-other one, a different one, to excite us.

Significantly, fucking God does not come naturally to us. It is something we must learn to do. The irony is that being a participant in gay male culture is not unlike being a member of the Church. Halperin hints at this in How To Be Gay. The epigraph of the book, Albert Mollegen’s summary of Augustine’s theology, reads: “Let the Christians baptize and the pagans beget.”

Gay male culture, not unlike Christianity, entails enculturation. It is not a birthright. Gay male culture, not unlike monogamy, is unnatural. As such, anyone who finds it persuasive may participate in it. Which makes sense, as gay male culture, not unlike Christianity, not unlike monogamy, is an education in how to love who and what you erotically desire.

One, final irony: if a loving monogamy is what is desired, “it may be heterosexuals, nowadays . . . who need gay male culture more than gay men do themselves” (How To Be Gay, 456).

What does love want? Our in-fidelity.

Kylie Minogue, “All The Lovers” (music video still), 2010.

The music video of Kylie Minogue’s hit song, “All the Lovers” (2010) raises two questions for me: 1) What does love want? 2) What can we do about it?

Watch the video:

The video opens with a cup of coffee falling, splashing empty on the ground (and a man taking off his shirt); a container of milk drops, spilling out on the ground (and two more people take off their clothes), and white marshmallows light on the ground as Minogue sings to her beloved, to her love object: someone who is apparently skeptical of falling in (for) love.

She is the lover of a man who is rejecting movement. He is resisting her call to dance like a flame, to allow her to connect with him (to get inside his groove):

Dance, it’s all I wanna do, so won’t you dance?
I’m standing here with you, why won’t you move?
I’ll get inside your groove ’cause I’m on fire, fire, fire, fire1

Minogue sings “fire, fire . . . .” as a multi-racial, variously sexual group of people move, take off their clothes and let them drop to the ground. Each lover finds their beloved, and they start making out.

One lover’s briefcase opens, and the papers inside scatter to the ground. All the lovers seem to be doing the unbelievable: abandoning work, responsibility, respectability, and/or (financial) security in order to heed the summons of love. Risk is constitutive of love.

This sociality of love, Minogue acknowledges, hurts. Pain is a fact of falling, of loving, of intimacy or close proximity to an-other. Minogue does not redeem the character of love; she simply acknowledges it: “but baby it hurts.” Hurt is also constitutive of love.

Nonetheless, “[i]f love is good, you just want more.” We want more of the good, even if that means risking the pain of (the) fire(s of hell):

It hurts when you get too close, but, baby, it hurts
If love is really good, you just want more
Even if it throws you to the fire, fire, fire, fire

Now that we know love hurts, we are right to expect some indication of fear, some apprehensiveness about what is at stake for all the lovers. But we are surprised by images of joy and of peace (even of S/spirit): a black woman smiles, a multi-racial group lifts their hands in the air (as if in praise), and doves (symbol of peace and, for Christians, a symbol of the Spirit) are released as Minogue begins to be raised up, lifted by all the lovers below her.

“All the lovers” refers to all the people falling, spilling open, bouncing, scattering, letting go, and elevating one another and in the name love. “All the lovers” also names the reason that Minogue’s beloved is hesitant to move, to move even “a little bit more.”

Minogue’s beloved is hesitant to move, even just “a little bit more,” because he is all too aware of “all the lovers that have gone before.”

All the lovers that have gone before
They don’t compare
To you
Don’t be frightened
Just give me a little bit more
They don’t compare
All the lovers

We may read the blond-haired, white young man who takes off his shirt as Minogue sings, “Don’t be frightened / Just give me a little bit more,” as the object of her love. As she sings, “don’t compare,” he responds enthusiastically (like a sports fan cheering on his favorite team) to her encouragement to just keep moving, just a little bit more.

His doubts are somewhat allayed by Minogue’s alluring smile as she sings, “All the lovers that have gone before / They don’t compare / To you.” He seems comforted by the intensity of Minogue’s faith in him. Even so, he doesn’t take a single step toward her or the (Christmas) mass of all the lovers.

Why put everything on the line for what is not guaranteed? Is it reasonable to be an entrepreneur in the business of love? Is the risk worth the cost? What is the return on this kind of investment?

Minogue’s beloved seems to believe in monogamy. What he wants most of all is to be the one. And it his (and our) belief in monogamy that Minogue tries to re-think:

Feel, can’t you see there’s so much here to feel?
Deep inside in your heart you know I’m real
Can’t you see that this is really higher, higher, higher, higher?
Breathe, I know you find it hard, but, baby, breathe
You’ll be next to me, it’s all you need
And I’ll take you there, I’ll take you higher, higher, higher, higher.

Why does he (why do we) believe that the opposite of monogamy is openness, aliveness, feeling rather than closure, death, and numbness?

Why does he (why do we) believe monogamy is 1 rather than 1 + 1, more than 1?

Why does he (why do we) believe that the opposite of monogamy is unfaithfulness rather than faithfulness?

Why does he (why do we) believe that the opposite of monogamy is room to breathe rather than suffocating space? Maybe he is in the wrong song?2

Why does he (why do we) believe that the opposite of monogamy is in-dependence rather than dependance?

Minogue re-thinks monogamy both lyrically and aesthetically. Recall the resilience of the white, bouncing marshmallows. Think of the lightness of the floating white elephant. Remember the gallop of the white horse. We can’t forget the splashing white milk, the flying white doves, the wildy ascending white balloons. Each of these aesthetic choices call our attention to the hardness, heaviness, and immovability of his (and our) belief in monogamy.2

Love, Minogue contends, is soft. Love is light. Love is like liquid: un-predictable.

Love wants to dance. Love wants to take a leap of faith. Love wants to flow.

As the video suggests, we can look down at Minogue’s love. We can pray for “Love [to] lift us up where we belong / Where the eagles cry / On a mountain high / [higher, higher, higher] Love lift us up where we belong / Far from the world below / Up where the clear winds blow.”

We can, in other words, refuse Minogue’s love. We can hold firm in our belief in (suffocating) monogamy (can one breathe far from the world below, up where the clear winds blow?).

Or, we can come down to earth. We can enter into what Minogue offers: love’s undulations.

The melancholic vibe toward the end of the music video suggests that Minogue is unsure if her beloved (if we) will accept her love.

Is he (are we) so predictably faithful? Or, do we show signs of movement, signs of promise? And what does it mean to be(come) promising?

Consider the concluding aphorism (#121) of Adam Phillips’s book, Monogamy:

“Monogamy and infidelity: the difference between making a promise and being promising.”3

Is infidelity the opposite of monogamy? Perhaps.

It’s also possible to think the difference between them, a loving monogamy: a promise to an-other (“All the lovers that have gone before / They don’t compare / To you) that is always promising: a promise that moves, spills, bounces, responds to the pull of what is unpredictable, ungovernable, surprising, namely the presence of an-other.

Minogue may have been tempted to give up on her beloved (and on us). But she doesn’t give up on him (nor does she give up on us). Rather, Minogue gives him (and us) the Spirit.

Kylie Minogue, “All The Lovers” (music video still), 2010.

In the Christian faith, the Spirit pours out the lover’s love into the hearts of unsuspecting (undeserving even) beloveds. The Spirit is a promise that makes us all promising.

The Spirit makes in-fidelis of us all.

FOOTNOTES:

  1. Notice the QR codes on the falling objects. Some assert that when scanned, the word love is produced. There is no way of knowing if that is true, as we cannot scan the codes. I asked ChatGPT about the meaning(s) of the QR codes. According to ChatGPT, “the QR codes add to the video’s visual complexity and modern flair, enhancing the viewer’s experience through their design and the thematic associations they evoke.” ↩︎
  2. One way to understand the whiteness of the marshmallows, elephant, horse, etc. is as a kind of highlighter, enabling this critical theme to stick out from the multiracial, multisexual background of the sociality of love constructed by Minogue. ↩︎
  3. See a cool interview with Phillips re: Monogamy here: https://www.salon.com/1997/02/19/monogamy/

    From the interview:

    “[Q:] Here is the final aphorism from your book: ‘Monogamy and infidelity: the difference between making a promise and being promising.’ Why is this your exit line?

    [Phillips:] Because I think that when one is writing about relationships between people, one is writing to some degree about promise. About possibilities for the future and predictions about the future. To enter into a relationship is a kind of prophetic act — it implies a future even though it is an unknown one. And it implies a future in which there are certain kinds of pleasures possible. So I suppose I am interested in what people can give to each other, and what people imagine others can give to them. It’s something about that — the idea of being able to make a promise, and the idea of being promising in spite of the promises one makes as well as because of them. That’s what I am interested in.” ↩︎

Possessed by “Demons”

A sermon based on the Gospel of John 19:25-29 (FYI: the word “home” is NOT in the Greek text):

*

As Jesus is dying on the cross, the disciple he loves—the boy he loves—the one, we are told, who is responsible for the Gospel of John, is on his mind. In the final moments of Jesus’ life, his beloved’s future is his ultimate concern.

We don’t know the identity of the man Jesus loved, but what we do know is that he is the only disciple Jesus is explicitly said to have loved.

We also know that he is the kind of guy who prefers the company of women. He is with the women at the foot of the cross.

We know too that the relationship between Jesus and this man is one characterized by physical and emotional intimacy. And their intimate connection is no more pronounced—or obvious—than it is in this moment, in the final moments of Jesus’ life.

As he is dying on the cross, Jesus no doubt feels like a motherless child: ripped from the circle of maternal security, cursed and abandoned to the whims of colonizers. Maybe he is even second guessing himself. Why could he not just be normal, act like every other king? In his moment of despair, doubt, questioning—Jesus is concerned that his man learns the lessons that will ultimately result in his resurrection.

Jesus makes sure that the man he loves is adopted by the maternal figure. Jesus declares, “Woman, here is your son.” To his beloved he says, “Here is your mother.” The text tells us that Jesus’ beloved “from that hour took her into his own.” In other words, the man Jesus loved accepted being placed under the exclusive care of the one the narrator calls Jesus’ “mother,” the one Jesus calls simply “woman.”

This text—indeed, the Gospel of John—clearly reveals Jesus as a lover of another man, as one who is concerned in his final hour with the well-being of his boyfriend. Here at the end of Jesus’ life, we are once again reminded that Jesus is not like all the other boys, like all the other rulers and kings. We are reminded that Jesus is a “mama’s boy,” more like a queen than a king.

And that is what the Romans were getting at when they plastered, in the languages of both the colonized and the colonizer, “King of the Jews” above the crucified Jesus’ head. They were calling Jesus the F-word, the 6 letter homophobic slur. The message of Rome is clear: the cross is where not being like all the other boys, not being like all the other kings and rulers, the cross is where being queer will get you; the cross is where being a mama’s boy will get you.

Not much has changed. Consider how we are taught to think about a boy’s secure attachment to his mother.

There is a tradition that is made up of the writings of primarily white psychologists talking about white boys and their relationship to their mothers. Their fear is that a white boy left under the care of his mother will become chronically effeminate, a hopelessly effeminate boy, a monstrosity, one who lacks a positive masculine self-regard.

There is also a tradition of primarily white scholars talking about African American boys and their relationship to their mothers. In this tradition, the dangers multiply: African American boys cared for by their mothers become incapable men—not only gender deviant but also unable to take care of themselves and their families economically, and so end up in jail.

These are the white lies we are told about our secure attachments to the maternal—and their power should not be underestimated. They clearly tell us that if we are mama’s boys, we will be defined as monsters, demons, Satan himself. They teach us that our particular lives and loves are hellish and evil, cursed, and that we will be treated accordingly. Hell is for queers.

But as Lil Nas X has shown us, hell is not such a bad place—especially if you’re the King of it.

In his now in/famous music video, Lil Nas X, judged and condemned, descends—in fact, he slides down a stripper pole, into hell. He feigns interest in Satan before ultimately wringing Satan’s neck.

Lil Nas dethrones Satan and becomes the king of hell, Satan himself. Lil Nas X becomes what Rome said he should fear: the face of damnation itself.

In his music video, Lil Nas fully embraces what Rome names as a hellish lifestyle. He quite literally puts himself in Satan’s shoes. This is his liberation, his resurrection.

Lil Nas X perfectly understands his situation. He knows that he is not really a hellish creature. But he also knows that that is how Rome sees him—really.

And not just him. You will recall that when Darren Wilson, the Ferguson police officer who killed Michael Brown, testified before a grand jury, he described the young African American man he killed this way: “It looks like a demon.”

Lil Nas X understands his situation. Like Jesus, he descends into hell, and he embraces fully what Rome condemns, tortures, and murders. In fact, Lil Nas X and Jesus may have learned this from their mothers.

As Hortense J. Spiller argues in her now classic essay, “Mama’s Baby, Papa’s Maybe,” speaking specifically of the symbolic situation faced by African American women, an African American mother may “[actually claim] the monstrosity . . . which her culture imposes in blindness, . . . might rewrite after all a radically different text for a female empowerment.”

Hellish creatures: that is what we are to Rome, that is how Rome sees all of us who dare to defy its laws in the name of Justice. Why not claim it? We know the truth; we know the Gospel, that “now, apart from the law, Justice is revealed.”

But where we see Jesus, where we see Justice, Rome sees Satan.

Rome sees Satan, but to us, Michael Brown is a child of God.

Rome sees Satan, but to us, Lil Nas X is a preacher of the Gospel.

Rome sees Satan, but to us, Jesus is the Messiah.

Rome sees Satan, but to us, Jesus is the Word of God.

Rome sees Satan, but to us, Jesus is our Salvation.

What Rome thinks is foolish, we know as the wisdom of God.

To those of us being saved, Jesus Messiah is the wisdom of God. Jesus Messiah is the way, the truth, and the life.

And what he wanted for the man he loved is a secure attachment to the maternal figure. That is what he wants for all of us who love him: that we may be(come) what Rome fears most, the desecration of its power over us.

May it be so.

Amen.